This year has been teaching me so much. Perhaps, in my old age I'm starting to absorb more things that simply allowing them to happen TO me. Something in me started to grow and command my attention when I turned 31 in January. Maybe it's the fact that I'm not on the precipice of my thirties, but actually IN my thirties now. There's no excusing my actions or timidness because "she's only in her twenties." I have more responsibilities to society and I'm more aware of them. With all of that being said, I have recognized my tendency to overthink situations. Like...think nine months in the future over think things. I have also accepted that overthinking is a characteristic that I will always have and I embrace it with open arms. Overthinking is what has brought me to writing this today.
Recently I was discussing my latest discovery of my power. We're all born with it and I believe that when God creates us He already knows who is going to be damaged, who will be broken, who is going to need extra power on reserve, and He installs it and programs it to be released on a per-determined date. That date for me was my 31st birthday. The day I realized I have this innate ability to move people with my words, but even more so, without saying anything at all; so many things started to make sense. I've also been able to recognize truth in the words of others. This brings me to what recent words have pushed into light for me.
In my years of trying to strangle, mash, and intertwine the arms of love I had somehow turned into the men who used me. My weapon of choice was my energy and words combined. I mixed them together and became a deadly weapon, a machine gun, and I managed to "shoot first and ask questions later." I fooled myself into believing that I could never treat anyone the way that I was treated but in reality, I suppose that's exactly what I had managed to do. For a period of my life I used men for emotional support. If I needed to vent, I would vent. If I needed to feel pretty, I would feed into what I knew was attractive to them and wait for the compliments. At the time I had no idea that I was doing it, but in hindsight, wisdom and a couple of my past love endeavors finally opening up to how they truly felt, I have no choice but to acknowledge it.
In a heated "debate" (we'll call it a debate because I don't really find myself arguing with people anymore), I was informed that a certain individual wished they "never met me," among other hateful words. Two years ago, that would have crushed me. I would have let those words soak into me for days and destroy me from the inside out. Not this time. I actually felt a little pity for that person. I have no choice but to believe that we are brought certain people in our lives during a certain time period for a specific reason. If I didn't understand that I would be damaged by every person who exits my life. The pity I felt was because this person hadn't grown and it was so evident in that moment that they didn't understand that they were supposed to grow from our interaction with each other. On the other side of that, I felt powerful. Like I had been suddenly let in on this secret that I HAD been the one to grow. That I was healing. I felt like a child discovering tooth fairy money and suddenly the world was mine to buy.
Since I was a little girl I've been damaged, abused, burned, and destroyed by men in my life and it's taken years of going through the process of healing for me to discover what was in me the whole time. It's a somewhat unnatural feeling to realize that all that pain and strife eventually became the driving force that makes me a dominant woman today.
So to all the men who have come and gone in my life, all the heartbreak and abuse, I'm glad to have met you and that you were in my life. Thank you for destroying the old me so that God could finally build the better me.
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