Today was a very pivotal day. I woke up this morning completely unaware of the feeling I would have right this second. I feel my purpose and God's vision more clearly than ever before. It's an awesome feeling.
I am one of those people who have major thoughts and life altering moments....in the shower. For some reason I clear all distracting thoughts under that hot water and I am able to hear my tangible thoughts more clearly. I also feel like God knows this is the only time I have (dedicated) to myself, so it's where He speaks to me the most. Dude knows how to get through to me!
I've been wanting to write a book for a while now, who knows when I will get to that, however I know where to start exercising that habit. I will become a legitimate blogger. Whoa. Clam down folks. I know a blog is just small step and may seem very juvenile to most of you (plus I have this one already; so what's the big deal?). What you don't understand is that I am not one to "socialize" very well. I am horrible at making small talk (it's something I've been trying to work on as an adult) and most of the time I wish I could just write down my part of conversations and let the other person read what I'm thinking.
I want to turn this blog/site into one that I can write and "talk" about all the things I love: God, my husband, my kids, fashion, makeup, nails, hair, beauty, teaching, writing, reading, shopping, eating, LIVING!! Every day I have so many things go through my mind and no where to put them, often times, no one to listen. I mean, who really cares that I just spent an hour updating my planner?! But it's THOSE moments that I can allow myself to write it and shove it into the universe, THOSE moments will help me develop.
So....with that being said. Please share my blog link. I will be updated EVERYTHING and trying to organize it so that topics and posts are separate. If you have a request for something you'd like me to to write about, send me an e-mail. I'm NOT expecting grand followers (in the first two days), however I am "expect(ing) the great" and know that God is guiding me. (I'll be writing a lot about my spiritual journey).
Get ready world. It's. About. To. Go. Down.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Friday, April 12, 2013
When All You Can Do is Stand
Remind yourself: This is not your battle to lose. It has already been won.
This should be my motto for this entire month. The spiritual attacks have been so apparent and constant that I am physically and emotionally drained. I have never had to put up so much armor than the iron clad shield and vest I have to spiritually strap on every day for the past two weeks.
My faith has been questioned. My relationship with God has been mocked. My character has been put on display and ridiculed. My God has had to fight for me.
I started out trying to fight the good fight and was left feeling defeated. I asked God, "Did I fail you? I feel like I flunked your test." His answer was that it wasn't mine to fail.
I realize that I am not easily understood. I have that CRAZY faith. Yes, I know. People think I'm crazy. He hasn't abandoned me yet. Not even when I didn't know His name. Not even when I felt as though I was alone in my classroom with students disrespecting my love of Him.
It's one of the most difficult things to do: work in a public place where "all people are accepted" but God is not. "You can get fired for that." Wow. Fired for faith.
I already stick out like a sore thumb, now my faith causes me to be an outcast. Well..."I'm going to stand my ground and be an OUTCAST."
This should be my motto for this entire month. The spiritual attacks have been so apparent and constant that I am physically and emotionally drained. I have never had to put up so much armor than the iron clad shield and vest I have to spiritually strap on every day for the past two weeks.
My faith has been questioned. My relationship with God has been mocked. My character has been put on display and ridiculed. My God has had to fight for me.
I started out trying to fight the good fight and was left feeling defeated. I asked God, "Did I fail you? I feel like I flunked your test." His answer was that it wasn't mine to fail.
I realize that I am not easily understood. I have that CRAZY faith. Yes, I know. People think I'm crazy. He hasn't abandoned me yet. Not even when I didn't know His name. Not even when I felt as though I was alone in my classroom with students disrespecting my love of Him.
It's one of the most difficult things to do: work in a public place where "all people are accepted" but God is not. "You can get fired for that." Wow. Fired for faith.
I already stick out like a sore thumb, now my faith causes me to be an outcast. Well..."I'm going to stand my ground and be an OUTCAST."
All attention....
I was recently reminded about my abilities to convey random thoughts into effective sentences (shout out to Shemika Kennison for the encouragement ;) ). I am a firm believer that God speaks to us all at a volume we need to hear Him and at the precise time that we need to hear it. I have felt this "shut down" inside my gut. I realize I have so much to say and no one to express it to (directly). I feel that the majority of issues I think about are too ego-centric and focused on selfish reasoning. Because of this, "relate-ability" is an issue.
I am now a full time English teacher in Kansas City, KS. It has brought many challenges. For some of these I feel I had the proper foresight to anticipate and others have slapped me so hard in the face that I have to stop my head from spinning from the impact. From these issues, many of my own personal views and opinions have been challenged. I never thought that at almost 30 years old I would be having self-esteem issues, spiritual battles, or emotional catalysts.
When I was in the second grade my mom let me start dressing myself. I still remember the outfit I picked out. A white graphic tank top with purple trim and purple striped shorts to match. I wore clear jelly sandals and a purple headband. I remember being upset because I couldn't find my earrings to match. From that moment as a second grader, I have always LOVED fashion and beauty anything that goes with it. As I've AGED (I have to deal with that fact!) it seems like my "first love of all things fashion" is abnormal to those around me.
Last year, as a student teacher, I dealt with a few side glances and questions of "Is that the teacher?" I knew it wasn't really a problem to complain about--looking young enough to be in high school. However, it wasn't just about how young I looked. It was about my attractiveness. My looks began to take the front seat and my effectiveness as a teacher began to take the back seat. This assumption has followed me into my first year of teaching. First I would just brush it off as being the newbie, but then I started to notice that frequently (almost every day) some one would make a side comment about the way I look. It might be about how I did my hair: "Why do you spend so much time on your hair?" Maybe it was about my outfit for the day, "Why do you always dress so nice?" Or maybe it was about my choice of both. I know that most of these are just innocent observations. I suppose a mom of two who likes to still dress business casual/dressy is an anomaly. Although I recognize this, the comments compounded and I started to question myself as a woman. My self-esteem dropped. Was I that stupid that no one could see past my love for fashion and see my passion for teaching? Is that the only reason they think students visit my class in their free time? The lack of support around me (when it comes to this issue) made me even more upset. I've begun to feel like everyone, friends and family, are all seeing me as a "pretty face."
I suppose that my entire life I've started out with low self-esteem and no self worth so I carried myself differently. As a grown woman I learned to hold my head high and especially after FINALLY earning a degree (the first of my immediate family), I WANTED to hold my head high. Now I wonder if I should hang my head a little to blend in more with the crowd.
I am now a full time English teacher in Kansas City, KS. It has brought many challenges. For some of these I feel I had the proper foresight to anticipate and others have slapped me so hard in the face that I have to stop my head from spinning from the impact. From these issues, many of my own personal views and opinions have been challenged. I never thought that at almost 30 years old I would be having self-esteem issues, spiritual battles, or emotional catalysts.
When I was in the second grade my mom let me start dressing myself. I still remember the outfit I picked out. A white graphic tank top with purple trim and purple striped shorts to match. I wore clear jelly sandals and a purple headband. I remember being upset because I couldn't find my earrings to match. From that moment as a second grader, I have always LOVED fashion and beauty anything that goes with it. As I've AGED (I have to deal with that fact!) it seems like my "first love of all things fashion" is abnormal to those around me.
Last year, as a student teacher, I dealt with a few side glances and questions of "Is that the teacher?" I knew it wasn't really a problem to complain about--looking young enough to be in high school. However, it wasn't just about how young I looked. It was about my attractiveness. My looks began to take the front seat and my effectiveness as a teacher began to take the back seat. This assumption has followed me into my first year of teaching. First I would just brush it off as being the newbie, but then I started to notice that frequently (almost every day) some one would make a side comment about the way I look. It might be about how I did my hair: "Why do you spend so much time on your hair?" Maybe it was about my outfit for the day, "Why do you always dress so nice?" Or maybe it was about my choice of both. I know that most of these are just innocent observations. I suppose a mom of two who likes to still dress business casual/dressy is an anomaly. Although I recognize this, the comments compounded and I started to question myself as a woman. My self-esteem dropped. Was I that stupid that no one could see past my love for fashion and see my passion for teaching? Is that the only reason they think students visit my class in their free time? The lack of support around me (when it comes to this issue) made me even more upset. I've begun to feel like everyone, friends and family, are all seeing me as a "pretty face."
I suppose that my entire life I've started out with low self-esteem and no self worth so I carried myself differently. As a grown woman I learned to hold my head high and especially after FINALLY earning a degree (the first of my immediate family), I WANTED to hold my head high. Now I wonder if I should hang my head a little to blend in more with the crowd.
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