Trapped Inside: The Truth About Anxiety, Depression and Loneliness (Part 2)

 ...Plot twist; marriage doesn't solve your emotional issues. 

There have been some very obvious and extreme life changes and transitions going on in my life in the past couple months.

It's amazed me the amount of people who have seen me after I got married and asked, "How IS it?!" as though marriage is this secret cult and once you get in everything changes and the masks are unveiled. Yes, there are some definite differences in comparison to what it's like to date someone long distance, but I've never experienced a more calm and peaceful partnership. With that being said....all my "problems" are NOT solved. Someone asked me, "What are you so anxious about? Shouldn't all that be over now that you have someone there to help you?"

I think a misconception about emotional turmoil is that all those waves and storms disappear with love. In the perfect world, sure, the Beatles were right; "all we need is love." But this world is far from perfection and a large crack in it is that emotional/mental struggles are perceived as easy fixes. That much like a cut, you can bandage it, prescribe a little meditation and POOF...no more anxiety. Love is the pillow of rest in my battle with anxiety and depression. Love makes it more tolerable, love slows down my brain, love comforts my mind during moments of worst case scenario movies. But love is not the root of my anxiety and because of that, love cannot fix my anxiety, it can only coat it in love ointment and allow time to go to work in its master field.

When I got married I knew that my emotional struggles with anxiety were not going to disappear and it's a little frustrating that a few people felt that it should have. Or that just because I struggle with anxiety that I'm not happy with my life. I promise you, if you were to ask ANYONE who has debilitating anxiety (the kind that sinks you into a daze mid-day and you obsess about things that don't even matter until they are replaced by alternate thoughts of things that don't matter) WHY they are anxious, they couldn't pinpoint just ONE thing that was causing it.

I'm aware that a lot of the reason why my brain works the way that it does is caused my childhood trauma. As a young woman in my twenties, I carried that trauma with me and never really slowed down long enough to allow myself to process the loss of a father in my life, the loss of security, and my need to be taken care of. Something happened to me on my 31st birthday at the beginning of this year. It was like I finally got the prescription I needed and I could finally see my emotional life clearly. I'm more aware of why I feel certain ways or why I behaved in certain ways when I was younger.

With all of this being said, not all problems are solved, but the emotional equations have become easier to understand. It's not always the easiest life to live when you're having mental warfare daily, but it's my life. I find solace in knowing that if I survived those wars so far, there has to be a greater purpose for me now. I'm extremely transparent, possibly to a fault, but I carry that "burden" with as much grace as I know is possible because somewhere out there, someone may stumble across my babbling and make sense of it and hopefully find a way to make sense of theirs as well.

Peace and Love.

What I've Learned from the Men in My Life

This year has been teaching me so much. Perhaps, in my old age I'm starting to absorb more things that simply allowing them to happen TO me. Something in me started to grow and command my attention when I turned 31 in January. Maybe it's the fact that I'm not on the precipice of my thirties, but actually IN my thirties now. There's no excusing my actions or timidness because "she's only in her twenties." I have more responsibilities to society and I'm more aware of them. With all of that being said, I have recognized my tendency to overthink situations. Like...think nine months in the future over think things. I have also accepted that overthinking is a characteristic that I will always have and I embrace it with open arms. Overthinking is what has brought me to writing this today.

Recently I was discussing my latest discovery of my power.  We're all born with it and I believe that when God creates us He already knows who is going to be damaged, who will be broken, who is going to need extra power on reserve, and He installs it and programs it to be released on a per-determined date. That date for me was my 31st birthday. The day I realized I have this innate ability to move people with my words, but even more so, without saying anything at all; so many things started to make sense. I've also been able to recognize truth in the words of others. This brings me to what recent words have pushed into light for me.

In my years of trying to strangle, mash, and intertwine the arms of love I had somehow turned into the men who used me. My weapon of choice was my energy and words combined. I mixed them together and became a deadly weapon, a machine gun, and I managed to "shoot first and ask questions later." I fooled myself into believing that I could never treat anyone the way that I was treated but in reality, I suppose that's exactly what I had managed to do. For a period of my life I used men for emotional support. If I needed to vent, I would vent. If I needed to feel pretty, I would feed into what I knew was attractive to them and wait for the compliments. At the time I had no idea that I was doing it, but in hindsight, wisdom and a couple of my past love endeavors finally opening up to how they truly felt, I have no choice but to acknowledge it.

In a heated "debate" (we'll call it a debate because I don't really find myself arguing with people anymore), I was informed that a certain individual wished they "never met me," among other hateful words. Two years ago, that would have crushed me. I would have let those words soak into me for days and destroy me from the inside out. Not this time. I actually felt a little pity for that person. I have no choice but to believe that we are brought certain people in our lives during a certain time period for a specific reason. If I didn't understand that I would be damaged by every person who exits my life. The pity I felt was because this person hadn't grown and it was so evident in that moment that they didn't understand that they were supposed to grow from our interaction with each other. On the other side of that, I felt powerful. Like I had been suddenly let in on this secret that I HAD been the one to grow. That I was healing. I felt like a child discovering tooth fairy money and suddenly the world was mine to buy.

Since I was a little girl I've been damaged, abused, burned, and destroyed by men in my life and it's taken years of going through the process of healing for me to discover what was in me the whole time. It's a somewhat unnatural feeling to realize that all that pain and strife eventually became the driving force that makes me a dominant woman today.

So to all the men who have come and gone in my life, all the heartbreak and abuse, I'm glad to have met you and that you were in my life. Thank you for destroying the old me so that God could finally build the better me. 

Lessons my Divorce Taught Me

These past couple of years have gone by so quickly. I feel like I've been watching myself grow toddler style. First I let go of my bottle, learned to roll over and suddenly I'm graduating high school. Along the way, life has managed to do everything from strangle me senseless in a dark alley to bring me breakfast in bed with a side of unlimited back rubs. In short, I've learned a lot.

There have been multiple chapters in my life but two phases that I want to focus on the most:
my divorce and falling in love again.

Traveling through each of these phases has taught me a lot and in the end, saved my life. Reflection is vital to improvement. After all, you may run the risk of history repeating itself if you don't take the time to look back at what has made you.

So let's get started.

My divorce has taught me:

1) We (women) can NOT change a man.
*I heard once (via the Steve Harvey show) that a man WILL change for a woman, but only once. I believe that our mistake as women is that we ALWAYS feel we are that ONE. A man has to choose if he deems you "worthy" of his change. Otherwise, there will be no change. My mistake was that I thought I was the one.

2) It's okay not to be THE ONE
* I felt it was my fault for not being everything he wanted me to be and yes, I had faults in the marriage. However, in the end, I wasn't that ONE he would change for and ultimately I had to learn the hard way that it was okay.

3) Let a lie be a lie.
*After the divorce I would try so hard to defend myself. I was constantly crying and fighting (with an imaginary listener). There was no point. I had to draw a line and realize that there was no need to defend myself or my truth anymore. Those who know me know my heart and my character and if anyone who didn't know me wanted to know the truth, all they had to do was ask. I had to stop trying to battle with liars.

4) The children belong to God, we're just temporary guides on their life journey
* It's easy to get territorial over your children, especially as a mother. There is no other bond stronger than a mother's. We GREW them INSIDE our bodies for almost a year and went through the closet thing to death in order to bring them into the world. No one else has done that for them and because of that, there is an immediate bond with your children. However, they do not belong to us. The sooner I realized that my children were God's the easier it was for me to find peace with them being gone (which I am currently still working on.

5) I didn't "lose" the battle for his love
* If you ever find yourself battling for someone's love, stop. "If they don't want you, you don't want them." I used to think I gave up too quickly, that I let his behaviors win, that I should have battled for his attention longer, I should have begged more, I should have tried harder....because then I wouldn't be the "loser" in the situation. I don't see myself as the losing party here, hindsight has given me a clearer perspective.

6) It's okay to have some regrets
* Obviously after seeing my last bullet point, I have some regrets...and that's okay. I think in life we all have little regrets here and there. I would have tried harder and longer for the kids, but in the aftermath of it all, some people and things won't change (refer to point number one). I always say that if I could go back and do it all again that I would do it all EXACTLY the same because I wouldn't want to risk not having my children.

7) Happiness after divorce is acceptable
* When I started dating I was so scared to tell my ex (even though he never told me when he moved on....just started making alternate seating arrangements during church). I knew he would make my life hell, he told me he would. But I deserved to be happy and part of that was being allowed to publicly love someone new. I had to hide so much during my marriage and I was tired of having to hide my desire to be happy or that I WAS happy. His response was....predictable and I felt guilty for moving forward in my life. It was the beginning of a very long (and somewhat ongoing battle) for me to maintain my joy, but I continue to fight for it because I deserve it.

8) Being a Single Mom is the HARDEST thing I've every done (and I've had to testify against my father before)
* When I was married I functioned like a single mom because my (then) husband was gone all the time. TRULY being a single mom is a different story. I did not go into the transition flawlessly and that was hard for me and others to understand. Bluntly put, I lost my mind a little the summer of my divorce and I was judged for it. Looking back I wish I had someone who could have helped take care of me emotionally and that I seriously attended some sort of therapy. I underestimated how much of life change it would be and how difficult it would be managing a home on my own. I moved, finished my masters, and went through a divorce all in the same year.

9) It's possible to lose yourself in a marriage and it's also possible to find yourself in a divorce
* I am NOT an advocate for divorce. I do believe that marriage is eternal and in some ways (because of our children) there will always be a part of me eternally tied to my (ex) husband. In our marriage I lost myself and the dreams I had. I lost the person I was trying to become at 21 and at 29 I had become my husband's. I did what he wanted me to do, I forgave when I was supposed to, I ignored what I thought would make him mad and the minute I decided I wanted to do something for myself....everything unraveled, him included. After the divorce I spent a year re-learning who I was as a woman and along the way have found a gift of empowerment and my purpose. It was trapped in the marriage and I couldn't see it.

10) Silence is not submission
* I think one thing women should learn to do is be silent during times of turmoil and storms. There are many battles that aren't for us. They belong to God and it takes a great deal of courage and strength to shut our mouths, pray and let HIM do the fighting for you. There have been multiple fleshly accounts I have wanted to speak out about (this is not to say I haven't done my fair share of fleshly vents...I am human), however, I am silent about more things than most would know. I don't address certain issues because in the end, "you can't reason with crazy."

The Mother of All Posts

Mother's Day was Sunday.

We set aside this day to acknowledge mothers in all their forms and abilities. We are reminded of absent mothers, new mothers, single mothers, mothers who lost babies, babies who lost mothers. I have been sitting on the concept for this post because I wanted to remove as much personal emotion as possible. I tend to be an angry writer sometimes and when that happens, I don't necessarily make sense. Then I remembered: this is what I do. I write emotionally. I pride myself on writing directly from my soul, a place where words seem to navigate themselves directly from my core and lunge to my fingertips. I am fully aware that a blog, mine in particular, is a place of opinion, freedom and unfortunately judgement. I'm willingly opening myself up to be judged. There are times I move in silence, just kind of sit back and watch, but this year I made a personal vow to not allow myself to take too many things to heart, be more laid back, and most importantly "Don't get walked on." It's a work in progress. I'm naturally a planner (which hasn't really let up much) and when something crashes into my plans you might as well have dumped pudding into my bra and forced me to go meet the President. I'm a little more than a wreck trying to adjust.

With that said, I feel like I've been doing a pretty great job adjusting to some of the "unplanned" moments life has thrown at me. With one exception. So here is where the disclaimer comes. Before I continue writing:
1) I know this is a public forum. It's open for anyone to read, I know this. I also know that there are people who are unaware of my blog and wouldn't know how to access this page.
2) I know that what I am about to write is solely MY opinion.
3) I know that I am still a baby in this whole co-parenting thing and when it comes to "sharing" my children and not having them all the time
4) I know this is going to ruffle some feathers
5) Before my divorce I was in my children's lives every day
6) It takes time to adjust to life and we all need to remember this

Here it goes:

I don't know if there is a line or ever will be a line with the new woman in my children's lives. There are moments where I feel we have a joint understanding of who she is to them and what is/is not appropriate and then suddenly I'm exposed to a post or picture via third party and I'm forced to deal with all these emotions I didn't know I would ever have. She's pregnant now. (With my ex's third child). She claims my children as her own so this would be "her fourth." It's been more than difficult having to handle myself with grace and poise as I hear her tell people that she doesn't care what gender she has because she "already has two girls and a boy." I know. Realistically, if they're having a baby together they (my ex and kids) will be bound to her forever and YES I would rather her love my children than hate them and treat them poorly. However, this doesn't change the pain I feel in my heart when I hear her call my son her son, give him a nickname his father and I agreed we didn't want people to call him when we named him, or refer to herself as their mother. It's not because I'm possessive about my role, it's because I feel honored that God gave me that role. I went through hell to be their mama. He gifted me with those two children. He molded them perfectly in my womb. He tore my body apart so that they could give back to the world and now, here....there's another woman who seems to not even recognize my relevance. It's not completely her fault. She does what she's been allowed to do. My ex grants her permission and the "power" to behave certain ways and honestly my compliance is allowing it as well. I'm constantly in a mental battle trying to survive run-ins or being treated poorly by opposite parties.

By no means am I trying to make myself a victim here, just trying to gain perspective and continue transparency. Many times I try to put myself in my ex or his girlfriend's shoes. How would I want my kids to interact with the man I'm seeing? How do I desire my freedom of love to be accepted? For almost two years I've been alone in all this. Attending functions at my ex's family's home so that my kids can still maintain their incredible relationship with their family and so that I don't lose out on time with them. I've allowed myself to be injured and my heart to be hurt so that my kids don't have to feel it. I've apologized multiple times to people who I don't feel deserved it and waited for mends to be made from them. A wait that has never ended.

Like I said in my points, I know this (invisible) blog may ruffle feathers, but it's how I feel currently. These are emotions I've been trying to navigate for almost two years (silently) and have seemed to only make slow progress.

So.
Stepmoms.
Stepdads.
Co-parenting aficianados.

Perspective?

Dirt

I dug up the roots of my discomfort with my naked hands because he stole my tools and thought
that would be enough to halt my growth
Stopped feeding me
Stopped watering me
Forced my heart into a drought
Hid me in the shade of other flowers
No longer scented of Lilies in the Valley
but of decomposed promises and burnt hallways
that lead to doors unopened and secrets of late night messages and recall mistresses
So with the dirt under my nails I scratched at the wall obstructing my view of the truth
...it's not me, it's you
I no longer sleep behind your partition, but instead walk on top of the barrier
Crown myself Sovereign Queen
A redundant title
Double reminder of my mastery

Trapped Inside: The Truth About Anxiety, Depression and Loneliness (Part 1)

Things seemed out of control. Really out of control. I've been feeling like Job, lost and wondering when the personal plagues will end. When will my depression stop sneaking into my thoughts after the kids have left to visit their dad? When will I stop looking at the carpet wondering how to get lost in its weaves instead of figuring out my emotions? When will I stop crying because I'm angry? When will I keep the power I have to continually fight to get back? When will I learn that it's okay to not be in control of everything?

I used to think that when bad things happened to me that they only happened in threes, come to find out, they also come in tsunamis. Large, overpowering waves that whip your feet out from under you and knock your breath out of you.

Driving into work a couple weeks ago I had a panic attack. I used to never panic, just low key stress and problem solve. I didn't think it was a panic attack until I realized that it was all in my head. So much is happening around me and I have no control of it. One of the things that has smashed my individual motivation was being turned down for a new car because of someone else lacking. I was approved, right there, the kids and I would finally have a reliable car and then, "It turns out ______ hasn't been making _______. So you can't get a car today." It turned into a snowball effect and the car I was blessed to be given started to slowly break down. The car I lovingly call, The Green Machine was dying when I needed it most. It had to be fixed twice, blessed to have it fixed for free, but in the process I depleted my savings on rental vehicles to get me and the kids where we needed to go. Then today, on the way to work, I was so worried and fearful that I was inhaling fumes or that the car would break down on me that I started to panic...and didn't even know it until I realized that I was about to pass out from the peaked adrenaline and rapid breathing. I'd never had an attack like that. Usually I just start to feel a little light headed and feel like my stomach is being stabbed by tiny ninjas inside my guts. I identify it and start working through some strategies that I found work for me. I ask myself, "What's the worst that can happen?" "Will you get hurt?" "Can you solve this problem?" and usually that works. But this morning was different. I couldn't get through to myself. I couldn't break through my mental and think logically. I was driving and I was frozen. I watched as the gas gauge fluctuated and began to obsess about it. I managed to turn the air around me into carbon monoxide and the "worst that could happen" was that I was going to pass out and wreck and then no one could pick my kids up from school. No one would know how to do Maliya's hair. No one would protect Little Matt from bullies. No one would tell them I loved them three times a day. I wanted to crack the window and was afraid to because, "What if it didn't roll back up? It's supposed to rain today." I looked at the clock and it was already 7:07 am. Late for work. I couldn't pull over because, "What if the car didn't start back up?" This is what anxiety does to you. It turns your logical brain into a "What if" factory and it can consume you so quickly that you go from positive and prospering to feeling like you're on the edge of death in a matter of seconds.

This is what my days are like almost constantly. It hits me like a dust storm. I can KIND OF see it coming but don't know where to run and most of the time once I'm in it I just have to let it run its course.

I used to watch commercials about anxiety and never really understood how someone could be paralyzed by their thoughts. After all, these are all fictional happenings. Anxiety isn't real. I didn't understand what was happening to me. My sessions of panic and anxiety started during my separation and got worse going through the divorce. Suddenly the level of unanswered questions kept growing. I didn't know where my kids were when they weren't with me. I was so used to seeing them every day and now I was forced to go days without seeing or talking to them. My normal was completely uprooted and I wasn't prepared for handling it all mentally. My brain went into attack mode but instead of attacking outside forces, it cried "MUTINY!" and attacked me.

I've been learning to take charge of my thoughts and let things "just be" but sometimes my brain likes to remind me that this is a process. Sometimes it seems like I have it worse because my brain functions in a chain. One thing will remind me of another. I can be sitting down picking at my nail, so I'll inspect my hand and think how they look like my dad's, then I'm thinking of my dad, "Why didn't he want to talk to me," "Why doesn't the father of my children want to talk to me," "Where are the kids," "I hope they're okay...." and spiral down.

See. The truth is. I'm a christian. But more than that, I have a relationship with God. I know that anxiety and panic attacks aren't from Him. I know what the bible says about healing. But I'm also human and sometimes it sucks.

Dear Him

Because no one sees me the way that you do
Exposed and ashamed waiting to be abused
I used to get anxiety at night wondering if I'd hear your voice
Then I'd cry with all my might because you had made your choice
Twelve
It took twelve years for me to hide myself enough
so that when others looked at me, I wouldn't seem to be tough
on the exterior and broken inside
I woke up every morning and I shared in your lies
I hate the color blue
It reminds me of the pajamas I wore when you ripped up my innocence and stained my sheets with rhythm and I can't even look myself in the eyes anymore because I see you
Don't mistake this for a love poem or a sonnet of happy tunes
Because you broke up my insides and crumbled them into fumes
That I inhale when I smell that old cologne you used to wear
I can't stand the feel of a man's facial hair against my face and I'll never know what it's like to have a man hold me in his arms and feel protected
Because when you held me, it was because I was neglected
To be seen by a woman who ignored you, so you found a place in my bed to feel brand new
Whispers into the night, "God please protect me from the monster all night and in the morning"
I moved my bed so that I could cover the memories with a desk
Little did I know I was building my own prison against a wall
Over and over again you would come in and my hope would fall
When I matured I got excited because I thought "this is the moment"
But I must have forgot
You still didn't feel man enough or maybe it was that you were too much of a man to admit that instead of hugging your little girl, you became an evil attack in her head
Well I'm a woman now
All grown up and reliving the past
I have a daughter of my own and I cry for her and pray that all she'll know are laughs
and innocence and that she'll find a man who loves her so deep that she'll never feel like me
Afraid to go to sleep