Disclaimer:
This is a personal, yet open letter. If you are afraid to read or don't desire to read, please do not scroll. I also ask that if you feel I should be quiet about abuse, please refrain from in-boxing or texting me to do so, because I will not comply.
Dear Dad,
I'm not really sure where to start. I haven't spoken to you in over three years. I see posts and sometimes see special things you've sent to my little sisters and I land on them for a while and allow my eyes to wander through tears and confusion until I am able to move on with my day. I've been wanting to send you a letter, but the last time I tried to reach out, you never responded. I wonder if you ask about me. Do you know I got a divorce? Do you know I'm married now? Do you know my husband's name? Do you wonder about the little girl you lost?
It's a strange thing really, to have a dad, but NOT have a dad. To feel disowned and confused as an adult. You defined so much in me and molded so much in my life. I don't even think you realize it. Sometimes I don't even want to realize it because I don't want to give you that power. I know you don't like to admit what you did and at this point I would never ask you to. I don't need validation from you, I don't really need anything from you. Not anymore. Maybe I did then. Maybe when I was lost and scared and you were the monster, maybe that's when I needed my dad. Where did he go? Was he ever there? I tend to over think our relationship...or not relationship. I give you credit for who I am today. And honestly, I probably shouldn't, but if you hadn't broken me so intensely I would have never known how strong I was. I wouldn't know that I could recover from anything. I would be weak. In a way, you forced me to be stronger. Stronger than you even.
Sometimes I get scared for my daughter. That maybe one day she'll ask about you. What will I tell her? Will she ever know you? What will I tell my son? Will he resent you? I have so many questions for you that I know will never be answered. A lot of them I've let go for the sake of my own sanity. Do you go a little insane from not knowing about me, the way I go a little insane wondering where it all went?
You'll never not be in my heart and that's a concept I've had to learn to function with. You are my father, but at the same time you're the root of all my brokenness. You planted this small seed of mental manipulation, abuse, and dependence that took me almost thirty years to break. I have moments sometimes where I blame myself for not being stronger when I was 15, for protecting you when I wasn't sure if you deserved it, but knew you needed it. Do you even know that I saved you when I was 15? Do you know that that's why I blame myself for where you are now? Maybe if I didn't save you, you could have gotten the "proper" help and it wouldn't have happened again. What happened to YOU, dad? When in your life did you lose your innocence? When did you know there was a monster inside you?
Here I am asking questions I didn't think I would. Don't worry, you won't ever see them, and you'll never have to face what you did. At least not to me. I hope you're saved now. I hope your demons have finally vacated your heart and I hope your mind is clear. I hope you know I forgive you. I forgive you for damaging my soul, for being so weak that you were used to destroy me, for not mending what you've broken, for lying to me and teaching me to lie to myself, for tainting my skin before it scaled away and revealed I was a woman and not a little girl, for ignoring me, for pretending that none of it happened, for being a better father for others than you were for me, for being there, for...not being there. I will always forgive you. Every day. I will remind myself that you are forgiven, that you have nothing to do with my successes but everything to do with my ability to be stronger than any man who has ever abused me. I will forever honor you on Father's day because you are who God saw fit to protect me and even though you failed, you provided me the tools to make my own armor and protect myself.
I walked alone on my wedding day and it was the tallest I've ever stood
in my life. I walked without a father, without a man, without someone
holding me up. I walked to meet a man who would hold me up for the rest
of my life. I walked to meet my children who have birthed in me a love
that is only possible when you call their heart your home. I earned my
wings and you didn't even know. I was able to drop the armor for a day and be loved and you didn't even know.
I take you with me every where I go and in those bad moments I remind myself that I have forgiven you...even though you don't even know.
