Life has happened.
Over a year has passed since my last blog and honestly, it was a bit intentional. My life has always been an open book (pun intended) and I wanted to make sure that my next moment in the spotlight of transparency was full...well, just full. Last summer I felt something was missing, especially after the miscarriage. Fast forward to this summer, I've found that my creative vibes were simply waiting on the completion of my family. That finish line came with our new daughter, Mila.
When I found out I was pregnant I didn't really believe it. I actually was in a form of denial all the way up until I was about 36 weeks pregnant and saw her (for the fourth time) in a sonogram. I didn't even have any of the baby stuff prepared. I failed to "nest" the way most moms do.
I know.
"How were you in denial when you were so damn big?!" Easy. My mental power has always been stronger than most. Even though my body was showing all the signs of pregnancy (and honestly was turning on me rendering me incapable of walking into work or up stairs), mentally I was so afraid that something horrible would happen that I wouldn't allow myself to really accept that I was having another child. Not until she, much like the other two, was ripped from my guts. As soon as I heard her cry, there they were. The tears of realization, pain, grit and relief. I hadn't cried when my first two were born. It wasn't because I didn't immediately love them, but life has given me multiple hard knock lessons and the one that I instantly learned when I heard Mila cry was that the struggles are ALWAYS worth the reward.
Pretty cliche right?
I loathe cliches, yet here we are. As a walking anomaly I usually try to steer clear of those lines you typically hear in all the self help books and Instagram hashtags, but in this case, I'll ride with it. Because I had a miscarriage. I've had multiple. My babies have died and that's more than a struggle. It's damage. Immediately that healed up little girl inside me began picking at her wounds and re-opening scars that had closed and I found myself taking a closer look at what "God had done to me." I got angry. I grew bitter. I was in the dark. Again. And now I wasn't alone in it. I had dragged my lover into the darkness with me, except he didn't even know or see it.
That's how pregnancy denial existed.
And now, less than two months after she has arrived, my final child, my baby, Mila Imani-Lynn, has given me the courage to step into the spotlight again. I feel super human. It's a strange feeling to release so much pain from losing a child, but still hold onto the child at the same time. I'll never replace the parts of my soul that are connected to those babies. I can almost see them in Mila. And because of this I feel invincible.
So hold onto your reading glasses and hot tea, because this summer, you're going to get some juicy reading material from yours truly.
