Recently it was brought to my attention that my "path to greatness" had some misguided steps and that they weren't exactly ideal to be followed. This is true. I've made mistakes in my life. There's no telling how many times God was screaming in my ear for me to go the other way and I simply ducked my head down and ignored His guidance. I've never pretended to be perfect or ignored the sins I have committed. I believe that where the disconnect lies is in the fact that others seem to ignore these facts. Simply because we are Christians, it does not mean that we are free of sin or flawless. It's quite the opposite. Our sins and flaws seem to magnetize in the eyes of others. "Well you can't tell me this, because you did that when you were my age." The flesh will force others to see us as those broken vending machines and fail to see the sign that now says "charging up."
During our journey as Christians our sins and constant mistakes become our testimonies. No, I did not know God at all when I was a girl. I remember a long time living with out even thinking about God. I lived my life with the thought that every day was for me and only me. I started drinking at a young age and would even sneak it into school. I stole my mom's cigarettes and would smoke them in public to try and get caught. I would sneak out of the house to go see my boyfriend in the middle of the night. As I got older I realized that there was a point when that little girl said a prayer. Every night I would pray for God to protect me from "the monster." Yet, much like many of us do, after I got what I needed I selectively forgot who did it for me. I became my own little rebel.
That little girl became a young woman (and I still failed to hear what my Father was trying to tell me). I was getting older with age and my soul felt tired and ragged. My response? Keep sinning. Now, don't get me wrong, I wasn't a complete rebel. I've always been a very determined woman. Even in my lacking days I worked hard and did what I felt was "responsible." What I failed to realize is that even though I was doing what I THOUGHT was right (going to college, working three jobs, living on my own), I wasn't living what I KNEW to be right. I became disconnected from emotion and used men as a way to validate my value. In this process I lost myself and eventually became so broken and out of order that there had to be no way that God would even look to me to do anything for His kingdom.
This is where God really shows off.
I didn't know Him. I had done nothing for Him. I went to church a handful of times, but the few things I knew to be right, I did wrong. Then, in a way that only He works, He set me free. So simply put, yes, I made mistakes on my journey. Not everything in my life was or is perfect. I do not shield others from the fact that I am human and once lived without knowing God. Yes, I got pregnant before I got married. Yes, I used to drink. Yes, I was a club hopper. No, I didn't care. I was most definitely with out a doubt a "vending machine out of order." There was no way that God was going to deposit His blessings into my life while I lived like that. The wonderful thing about Him is that even though He knew I was out of order, that I was unplugged from the source (Him), He waited. Until finally I saw those "little" things that God was doing in my life to save me. And when I was finally able to see Him, my vending machine got plugged in, I began to WORK.
