How to Change the Man You're Dating

Now that I've got your attention...

In life, there are things you will never be able to change. Like the way the sky looks, the size of your heart, doughnuts and Chipotle in excess will make you gain weight, and OTHER people.

We suffer so much through the hands of what others do to us and lack the understanding that it isn't the other person that is the issue, it's us. We can't change them. They won't change for us and if they do, it will be temporary. Personally, I believe that it's a universal pain, trying to change someone so that they fit our mold. We push and pull, stretch in ways we didn't think we ever would, accept and deny problems we said we would never deal with, and begin to implement our own ideas of perfection on this person without ever clearly understanding our own flaws or the fact that perfection isn't exactly a tangible characteristic.

Recently (because my posts are always inspired by "recent events" in my life), I started to question some of my life decisions and personality traits. Had I made the right decision? Was I at fault for my failures in my marriage? Am I a horrible person? Is there a real reason to be hated? I started to look at myself through the skewed viewpoint of a person/persons that no longer knew me. I knew I had evolved, that my spirit man had grown to the point where he had almost collapsed most of my fleshly desires. I knew I could feel myself becoming more free in God and who I have become daily, YET, here I was doubting myself because someone else had APPEARED to make a change.

This doubt threw my mental stability into overdrive for almost a full 24 hours. THEN because God and I have this custom-made relationship and He always has a way of showing me things I need to see (and always without me having to really look for them)...I was sent a screen shot. Now, I know that in this age of technology everyone is screenshotting (that's a word now) their lives away, but I have to say, it's been a very useful form of documentation and a reminder to how far my journey has brought me. So, back to this screen shot. I know what you're thinking, "What was it?!" I'm not going to divulge that information (you'll have to wait for my book, heck, no one reads these posts anyway). However, just know that it was an IMMEDIATE reminder that no matter how hard we may try, PEOPLE WON'T CHANGE for us.

This is where my focus turns a little and to where I believe my words will reach the farthest (however "far" that may be).

LADIES, *types and deletes three sentences*
He's not going to change for you.
Point. Blank. Period. The. End. Thank. You. Good. Night.

Men are human beings. They make mistakes just like us. Yes, their mistakes are magnified because they seem to effect us (if we are related or invested in them in any way), but they make mistakes. The difference is that most men, not all, do not realize that they've made a mistake or that it's as much of an issue as you believe because if they did...they wouldn't have done it. With that being said, a man who continually makes the same "mistake" over and over again no matter how many times you've cried, threatened to leave, broke down, kicked him out (of your life or house that you pay for and he just crashes there "temporarily"), or told him how what he does "makes you feel..." THAT man has a larger issue than just that mistake. This is where things start to get difficult for us ladies because we are, by genetic make up, nurturers and fixers. We want to love and take care of this man and save him essentially from himself. Ladies, we can't do it. It hasn't been done. It may LOOK like you have, BUT (insert screen shot info here), he hasn't and he won't unless his OWN desire takes over, he acknowledges the issue and starts to REALLY evaluate his relationship with God.

Psalms 9:10-"And those who know your name will put their trust in YOU; for you, Lord, have not forsaken those who seek you."

It is our job to pray for Him and most importantly, step back. Continually reminding him of his failures will only force him to focus on YOU and how he is making you feel instead of focusing on GOD and how he is making GOD feel. Because, let's face it, we are not as important as God (and neither is he) and that's the way it should be. Our spouse, love, courting partner, should not be seeking the approval of us, but the approval of God. So many relationships are having fictional family fun and perfection via social media and behind closed doors, dating apps, and Instagram likes, there are hidden monumental sized issues.

A man cannot be the husband/father to your child(ren) that you are trying to mold him into because God hasn't created that mold, you did.  If we really think about it; would we want a husband who is missing vital pieces that God was supposed to implement inside him? Would we want a husband who we've had to sacrifice our integrity for? Allow that man to seek God. Get out of his face and stop trying to force him to change for you, because it will never happen. Most importantly seek God yourself. REALLY seek him (I'll give you that info in another post). Because in the end no matter how many meals you've cooked for him, no matter how many pictures you've uploaded to social media, no matter how may likes you got on your profile picture, no matter how much his family likes you, no matter how many dates you've been on, at the end of the day, he's alone with his issue (and phone with a million apps and other women) and only God can intervene in his spirit.

Step back because this is the one time, you can't fix it, this is a man's job. HIS job.

Yet, here I am, healed

I write a lot about my ventures and mishaps with love, I am indeed a frustrated being when it comes to my interactions with this verb. Love has a tendency to do me dirty. He likes to push me into the mud and then laugh while he watches me try to scrub out his residue before anyone knows that I tried to entertain the little guy. For some reason, even though I know that there is a 60% chance that he will do it again 100% of the time, I can't help but want to squeeze Love's face and ask him to push me again, just so I can feel his touch.

Yet, here I am, content with myself and the woman I've become and in love. Yes, that little verb found a way to hold my hand and not run too fast or jerk on my arm too hard. I'm walking hand in hand with love and we've even managed to only step on each others toes a couple times.

I find encouragement in recognizing true love in other couples. I can always tell when a man truly loves the woman he is with (and vice versa). Being able to breathe in the same air as that couple always gives me goosebumps. There's just something about the unfaltering love that manifests between two people that it becomes so think and consistent that there is a fine line between it simply being in the air and getting stuck in my hair like a leaf surrendering it self to the ground on a fall afternoon. Recently I've had the honor of being the photographer for two weddings. After posting the photos for the first wedding I was told that "weddings are your calling" in photography. I was extremely honored by this compliment for two reasons: 1) it was given by someone I respect in the "photography field" and 2) it showed that someone else was able to see the love I so desperately made sure to capture, I had done my job. I used to loathe weddings because they reminded me of this idea of love that I had become jaded to. That out there all these other people were finding their "one" and I was questioning my own existence as ONE.

I didn't know that I was supposed to exist as one (first) because I was so busy trying to stitch two wrongs into a right. There's a saying that we don't know what we have until it's gone and I think by gaining perspective I've been able to see a different angle to that cliche. Sometimes what we HAVE isn't exactly what we NEED. God has a way of providing us with what we feel our hearts need in order to show us that He will, indeed grant us our heart's desires, but He won't allow us to remain plotted in soil where we won't grow. It took me a long time to see that where I had planted myself (where God had allowed me to plant myself) was NOT where I needed to be. I was trying everything, including fertilizing the soil with what others were claiming was organic and natural fertilizer, but turned out to be....crap.

So here I am now, still in the process. I'm not naive enough to believe that I'm perfect or that my healing is complete. I AM healed (don't get me wrong), but TRUE healing is a process and I'm okay with allowing God to take His time with me. All I keep hearing is Him telling me to have patience. I find it ironic because He knows I am NOT a patient person, but that's what He's been teaching me. My process is slow and intensive and methodical and precise because He can't afford to let me move. Just like a surgeon making the perfect stitches after an invasive surgery, He must take His time to make sure that NO movement will re-open what He has closed so purposefully. Does it make me angry? Yes. I'm human and I get mad because I want my reward now, I want to know that all this RIGHT I continue to try and do, all this passive anger I allow myself to endure is for a greater purpose.

Recently I posted of how in the midst of my waiting God has allowed me to "lick the spoon" while waiting on my perfect blessing. THIS is how awesome my God is. He knows me, He knows I need love, He knows how I need to be loved. After years, DECADES of planting myself in horrible soil, He saw it fit to lift me out (despite my kicking and screaming and plant me in custom made soil by myself.

The key theme here is that I was by myself. I had to learn how to function as a woman on my own and how to identify as the woman God wanted me to be. I found the answer to "Who am I?"

I am Dianna.
Warrior and Queen.
His.
A survivor and inspiration
I am not simple
I am not complex
I am perfect in His eyes
and that's enough for me
I am a woman
stronger than any man's abuse in my past
taller than any negative words spoken down on me
I am His