This year has been teaching me so much. Perhaps, in my old age I'm starting to absorb more things that simply allowing them to happen TO me. Something in me started to grow and command my attention when I turned 31 in January. Maybe it's the fact that I'm not on the precipice of my thirties, but actually IN my thirties now. There's no excusing my actions or timidness because "she's only in her twenties." I have more responsibilities to society and I'm more aware of them. With all of that being said, I have recognized my tendency to overthink situations. Like...think nine months in the future over think things. I have also accepted that overthinking is a characteristic that I will always have and I embrace it with open arms. Overthinking is what has brought me to writing this today.
Recently I was discussing my latest discovery of my power. We're all born with it and I believe that when God creates us He already knows who is going to be damaged, who will be broken, who is going to need extra power on reserve, and He installs it and programs it to be released on a per-determined date. That date for me was my 31st birthday. The day I realized I have this innate ability to move people with my words, but even more so, without saying anything at all; so many things started to make sense. I've also been able to recognize truth in the words of others. This brings me to what recent words have pushed into light for me.
In my years of trying to strangle, mash, and intertwine the arms of love I had somehow turned into the men who used me. My weapon of choice was my energy and words combined. I mixed them together and became a deadly weapon, a machine gun, and I managed to "shoot first and ask questions later." I fooled myself into believing that I could never treat anyone the way that I was treated but in reality, I suppose that's exactly what I had managed to do. For a period of my life I used men for emotional support. If I needed to vent, I would vent. If I needed to feel pretty, I would feed into what I knew was attractive to them and wait for the compliments. At the time I had no idea that I was doing it, but in hindsight, wisdom and a couple of my past love endeavors finally opening up to how they truly felt, I have no choice but to acknowledge it.
In a heated "debate" (we'll call it a debate because I don't really find myself arguing with people anymore), I was informed that a certain individual wished they "never met me," among other hateful words. Two years ago, that would have crushed me. I would have let those words soak into me for days and destroy me from the inside out. Not this time. I actually felt a little pity for that person. I have no choice but to believe that we are brought certain people in our lives during a certain time period for a specific reason. If I didn't understand that I would be damaged by every person who exits my life. The pity I felt was because this person hadn't grown and it was so evident in that moment that they didn't understand that they were supposed to grow from our interaction with each other. On the other side of that, I felt powerful. Like I had been suddenly let in on this secret that I HAD been the one to grow. That I was healing. I felt like a child discovering tooth fairy money and suddenly the world was mine to buy.
Since I was a little girl I've been damaged, abused, burned, and destroyed by men in my life and it's taken years of going through the process of healing for me to discover what was in me the whole time. It's a somewhat unnatural feeling to realize that all that pain and strife eventually became the driving force that makes me a dominant woman today.
So to all the men who have come and gone in my life, all the heartbreak and abuse, I'm glad to have met you and that you were in my life. Thank you for destroying the old me so that God could finally build the better me.
Wednesday, June 29, 2016
Monday, June 13, 2016
Lessons my Divorce Taught Me
These past couple of years have gone by so quickly. I feel like I've been watching myself grow toddler style. First I let go of my bottle, learned to roll over and suddenly I'm graduating high school. Along the way, life has managed to do everything from strangle me senseless in a dark alley to bring me breakfast in bed with a side of unlimited back rubs. In short, I've learned a lot.
There have been multiple chapters in my life but two phases that I want to focus on the most:
my divorce and falling in love again.
Traveling through each of these phases has taught me a lot and in the end, saved my life. Reflection is vital to improvement. After all, you may run the risk of history repeating itself if you don't take the time to look back at what has made you.
So let's get started.
My divorce has taught me:
1) We (women) can NOT change a man.
*I heard once (via the Steve Harvey show) that a man WILL change for a woman, but only once. I believe that our mistake as women is that we ALWAYS feel we are that ONE. A man has to choose if he deems you "worthy" of his change. Otherwise, there will be no change. My mistake was that I thought I was the one.
2) It's okay not to be THE ONE
* I felt it was my fault for not being everything he wanted me to be and yes, I had faults in the marriage. However, in the end, I wasn't that ONE he would change for and ultimately I had to learn the hard way that it was okay.
3) Let a lie be a lie.
*After the divorce I would try so hard to defend myself. I was constantly crying and fighting (with an imaginary listener). There was no point. I had to draw a line and realize that there was no need to defend myself or my truth anymore. Those who know me know my heart and my character and if anyone who didn't know me wanted to know the truth, all they had to do was ask. I had to stop trying to battle with liars.
4) The children belong to God, we're just temporary guides on their life journey
* It's easy to get territorial over your children, especially as a mother. There is no other bond stronger than a mother's. We GREW them INSIDE our bodies for almost a year and went through the closet thing to death in order to bring them into the world. No one else has done that for them and because of that, there is an immediate bond with your children. However, they do not belong to us. The sooner I realized that my children were God's the easier it was for me to find peace with them being gone (which I am currently still working on.
5) I didn't "lose" the battle for his love
* If you ever find yourself battling for someone's love, stop. "If they don't want you, you don't want them." I used to think I gave up too quickly, that I let his behaviors win, that I should have battled for his attention longer, I should have begged more, I should have tried harder....because then I wouldn't be the "loser" in the situation. I don't see myself as the losing party here, hindsight has given me a clearer perspective.
6) It's okay to have some regrets
* Obviously after seeing my last bullet point, I have some regrets...and that's okay. I think in life we all have little regrets here and there. I would have tried harder and longer for the kids, but in the aftermath of it all, some people and things won't change (refer to point number one). I always say that if I could go back and do it all again that I would do it all EXACTLY the same because I wouldn't want to risk not having my children.
7) Happiness after divorce is acceptable
* When I started dating I was so scared to tell my ex (even though he never told me when he moved on....just started making alternate seating arrangements during church). I knew he would make my life hell, he told me he would. But I deserved to be happy and part of that was being allowed to publicly love someone new. I had to hide so much during my marriage and I was tired of having to hide my desire to be happy or that I WAS happy. His response was....predictable and I felt guilty for moving forward in my life. It was the beginning of a very long (and somewhat ongoing battle) for me to maintain my joy, but I continue to fight for it because I deserve it.
8) Being a Single Mom is the HARDEST thing I've every done (and I've had to testify against my father before)
* When I was married I functioned like a single mom because my (then) husband was gone all the time. TRULY being a single mom is a different story. I did not go into the transition flawlessly and that was hard for me and others to understand. Bluntly put, I lost my mind a little the summer of my divorce and I was judged for it. Looking back I wish I had someone who could have helped take care of me emotionally and that I seriously attended some sort of therapy. I underestimated how much of life change it would be and how difficult it would be managing a home on my own. I moved, finished my masters, and went through a divorce all in the same year.
9) It's possible to lose yourself in a marriage and it's also possible to find yourself in a divorce
* I am NOT an advocate for divorce. I do believe that marriage is eternal and in some ways (because of our children) there will always be a part of me eternally tied to my (ex) husband. In our marriage I lost myself and the dreams I had. I lost the person I was trying to become at 21 and at 29 I had become my husband's. I did what he wanted me to do, I forgave when I was supposed to, I ignored what I thought would make him mad and the minute I decided I wanted to do something for myself....everything unraveled, him included. After the divorce I spent a year re-learning who I was as a woman and along the way have found a gift of empowerment and my purpose. It was trapped in the marriage and I couldn't see it.
10) Silence is not submission
* I think one thing women should learn to do is be silent during times of turmoil and storms. There are many battles that aren't for us. They belong to God and it takes a great deal of courage and strength to shut our mouths, pray and let HIM do the fighting for you. There have been multiple fleshly accounts I have wanted to speak out about (this is not to say I haven't done my fair share of fleshly vents...I am human), however, I am silent about more things than most would know. I don't address certain issues because in the end, "you can't reason with crazy."
There have been multiple chapters in my life but two phases that I want to focus on the most:
my divorce and falling in love again.
Traveling through each of these phases has taught me a lot and in the end, saved my life. Reflection is vital to improvement. After all, you may run the risk of history repeating itself if you don't take the time to look back at what has made you.
So let's get started.
My divorce has taught me:
1) We (women) can NOT change a man.
*I heard once (via the Steve Harvey show) that a man WILL change for a woman, but only once. I believe that our mistake as women is that we ALWAYS feel we are that ONE. A man has to choose if he deems you "worthy" of his change. Otherwise, there will be no change. My mistake was that I thought I was the one.
2) It's okay not to be THE ONE
* I felt it was my fault for not being everything he wanted me to be and yes, I had faults in the marriage. However, in the end, I wasn't that ONE he would change for and ultimately I had to learn the hard way that it was okay.
3) Let a lie be a lie.
*After the divorce I would try so hard to defend myself. I was constantly crying and fighting (with an imaginary listener). There was no point. I had to draw a line and realize that there was no need to defend myself or my truth anymore. Those who know me know my heart and my character and if anyone who didn't know me wanted to know the truth, all they had to do was ask. I had to stop trying to battle with liars.
4) The children belong to God, we're just temporary guides on their life journey
* It's easy to get territorial over your children, especially as a mother. There is no other bond stronger than a mother's. We GREW them INSIDE our bodies for almost a year and went through the closet thing to death in order to bring them into the world. No one else has done that for them and because of that, there is an immediate bond with your children. However, they do not belong to us. The sooner I realized that my children were God's the easier it was for me to find peace with them being gone (which I am currently still working on.
5) I didn't "lose" the battle for his love
* If you ever find yourself battling for someone's love, stop. "If they don't want you, you don't want them." I used to think I gave up too quickly, that I let his behaviors win, that I should have battled for his attention longer, I should have begged more, I should have tried harder....because then I wouldn't be the "loser" in the situation. I don't see myself as the losing party here, hindsight has given me a clearer perspective.
6) It's okay to have some regrets
* Obviously after seeing my last bullet point, I have some regrets...and that's okay. I think in life we all have little regrets here and there. I would have tried harder and longer for the kids, but in the aftermath of it all, some people and things won't change (refer to point number one). I always say that if I could go back and do it all again that I would do it all EXACTLY the same because I wouldn't want to risk not having my children.
7) Happiness after divorce is acceptable
* When I started dating I was so scared to tell my ex (even though he never told me when he moved on....just started making alternate seating arrangements during church). I knew he would make my life hell, he told me he would. But I deserved to be happy and part of that was being allowed to publicly love someone new. I had to hide so much during my marriage and I was tired of having to hide my desire to be happy or that I WAS happy. His response was....predictable and I felt guilty for moving forward in my life. It was the beginning of a very long (and somewhat ongoing battle) for me to maintain my joy, but I continue to fight for it because I deserve it.
8) Being a Single Mom is the HARDEST thing I've every done (and I've had to testify against my father before)
* When I was married I functioned like a single mom because my (then) husband was gone all the time. TRULY being a single mom is a different story. I did not go into the transition flawlessly and that was hard for me and others to understand. Bluntly put, I lost my mind a little the summer of my divorce and I was judged for it. Looking back I wish I had someone who could have helped take care of me emotionally and that I seriously attended some sort of therapy. I underestimated how much of life change it would be and how difficult it would be managing a home on my own. I moved, finished my masters, and went through a divorce all in the same year.
9) It's possible to lose yourself in a marriage and it's also possible to find yourself in a divorce
* I am NOT an advocate for divorce. I do believe that marriage is eternal and in some ways (because of our children) there will always be a part of me eternally tied to my (ex) husband. In our marriage I lost myself and the dreams I had. I lost the person I was trying to become at 21 and at 29 I had become my husband's. I did what he wanted me to do, I forgave when I was supposed to, I ignored what I thought would make him mad and the minute I decided I wanted to do something for myself....everything unraveled, him included. After the divorce I spent a year re-learning who I was as a woman and along the way have found a gift of empowerment and my purpose. It was trapped in the marriage and I couldn't see it.
10) Silence is not submission
* I think one thing women should learn to do is be silent during times of turmoil and storms. There are many battles that aren't for us. They belong to God and it takes a great deal of courage and strength to shut our mouths, pray and let HIM do the fighting for you. There have been multiple fleshly accounts I have wanted to speak out about (this is not to say I haven't done my fair share of fleshly vents...I am human), however, I am silent about more things than most would know. I don't address certain issues because in the end, "you can't reason with crazy."
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