You never know your strength until you are sitting across
from your challenge, your adversity, your assumption for punishment and watching
her eat a granola bar and call your children baby, watching her reach out and
wrap her arms around your children. That’s when your strength is tested. That’s
when you know whose “side” God is on. For the past few months I’ve found myself
wondering that very thing as I stood in church and cried tears of defeat,
frustration, agony, and heartache. I mean. What the heck was God doing? What
was He thinking having me stand in His house and witness this almost twice a
week? I would leave church feeling distracted, weak, and confused. I still get
that feeling a couple of times, but today as I type this literally sitting in a
foyer sunken into a brown leather couch and glancing across my computer screen
at a woman who thinks she has defeated me, I am calmed, peaceful and slightly
cocky because I know MY God. I know who He is and what He will do for me.
There is something especially magnificent
about the way God seems to hold my hand through moments when I try to fight Him
off. When times like this happen, my flesh responds first. I want to throw my
arms in the air, blaming my carelessness on the lack of His presence in my
moment of weakness, hitting anyone in my way and simply watching the aftermath
ensue. I had the right, after all, I told God I had enough and He continued to
push me, He continued to test me and I told Him I was done. But I had no idea
the strength that was built inside me and that had been growing through each moment
of heartache. Each time I found another reason to grow weary, to be angry at
Him for giving me a life that you only read about in self help books, He would
allow me to cry, allow me to break and then place each part of me back together
in His perfect way. Because of this I willingly allowed Him to continue to
break me each time, I allowed myself to fall apart and would simply whisper “Why?”
Of course, He never answered; why would He? He
owed me nothing and like a stubborn child I would stomp my feet and scream at
Him, “WHY?!” Turns out the reason is
NOW. If He hadn’t allowed me to fall apart the way that He did, I would not be
sitting here NOW. I wouldn’t be free NOW. I wouldn’t be breathing NOW. I
wouldn’t be loving NOW. I wouldn’t be strong NOW. I wouldn’t be a prayerful
woman NOW. I wouldn’t be thankful NOW. I wouldn’t be worshiping Him NOW. And there are moments where I still ask Him “Why?” simply because the level of pain
I’m able to endure is at magnified (and intense superhuman levels that I am am just now acknowledging) and I anticipate He will test me more
in order to challenge my growth. But each moment I ask this, I know this answer
will always be “FOR NOW.”
