Before you begin to read this, please know, this is MY story. I do not share because I want to expose anyone or anything, I share because this is MY testimony and how I heal.
Enjoy.
During my mini and struggling hiatus I have been receiving so much encouragement and at the same time have been struggling to encourage myself on some days. I think those are the day when God takes over and says, "Sit down, girl, I got this." Recently I've received a few e-mails from women asking me "How do you do it?" This question has been following me around for years. Most times I begin my answer with "I don't know" and then before I know it I'm uncovering relevant moments when God has not only carried, but fed me during times of spiritual starvation.
In response to an e-mail I wrote this:
"You're
probably asleep and in my true nature I'm up thinking and writing. I've
been waiting for the right time to be able to sit down and type my
response for you. Your question actually helped inspire my latest blog
post/book entry. I can't say that I've moved ON, but moved FORWARD.
There's this saying that you can only move in two directions, forward or
back. If you are still (stagnant) you are not moving. I refused to
allow myself to stay stuck in a position of pain, misery and depression.
Not to say that I didn't live there for a while, because I did. But
eventually the pain inflicted from him breaking my heart was too much
for me to bare. I couldn't handle the lies anymore. I had to move
somewhere and backwards was not an option, so I decided to move forward.
It has been one of the most difficult decisions I have ever made
because I think of my kids, but I also couldn't allow them to see a
mother who was miserable and always hurt. I couldn't allow my daughter
to believe that a man should treat her like that or for my son to think
it was okay. Now when it comes to finding the strength...it's a daily
and sometimes hourly struggle. I'm still finding out lies that hurt me
and I feel like I'm dying, but then I realize: "I AM BETTER THAN THIS."
YOU ARE TOO. You have to encourage yourself, because you're all you
have. At the end of the night when you go to bed it's you struggling
with your thoughts and THAT'S when you hand it over to God. HE's there
for you. I'm not sure how your relationship with God is, and mine is NOT
perfect, but He has lifted me up EVERY time I've been weak. EVERY time
I've failed. I'm definitely here for you. Encouraging/helping other
women keeps me alive. I need you too. I love you girl. Please let me
know if this helped at all."
After sending this e-mail I've been sitting, intensely allowing my thoughts to process and filter through my mind and heart. I am very careful about what I write and when. If there is one thing I have learned over this past (almost year), it's that my artistry and spirit are not purposed to damage, but to uplift. I was broken down so that I would know what it's like, so that I could experience first hand the different levels of pain and have a testimony of how I still thrived.
It's. Not. Easy.
I remember when I used to say "it's not fair" to my mom (complaining about heartbreak and why I didn't get to go gallivant outdoors), her response was always "Who told you life was fair?" I think about that often. We are handed certain tests and in the same sense when you're older, in a higher grade, and get harder tests; God hands you tests that are more difficult the more you mature in your spiritual growth. It's not fair. It's not meant to be fair. It's meant to make you grow. It's meant to force you to see how strong He has made you when others (including yourself) are telling you that you are weak.
I am not super woman. I don't have super powers or answers to all of life's problems. I can't heal you with my book or photos or eloquently placed adjectives and verbs.
I can only inspire. I can only aid.
That change you need? That strength you need?
It's all inside of you, God placed it there, specifically for this moment.
Close your eyes, breathe, and go get it.
Friday, July 18, 2014
Wednesday, July 9, 2014
Your One Great
I watched a movie tonight. A horrible, beautiful, manifested, realistic, depiction of fantasy and love thrown into 116 minutes of crying, over-sized sweaters, and horrible haircuts.
I fell in love.
I fought it. I truly did, but this wonderful suffrage reminded me of a "once love." The only time I've been able to look into someone's eyes (other than my children) and just be in awe at how much I love him. Because THAT kind of love is different from all others. It births itself in your core, deep inside your soul right next to your morals and the memory of how your grandma's house smells, and it lives there until the right person comes along and digs it out. You don't really ever realize that you're not feeling love until suddenly one day, you can feel everything.
You feel the wind,
you feel silence,
you feel the creases in the back of their hand,
you feel your hair move when you walk down the street,
you feel sweet kisses,
you feel the warmth of the moonlight and the cool breeze of the sun
you feel orange juice
you feel leaves falling
you feel everything
Suddenly, you know love.
You know it for all that it is in the way God intended it to be felt. He planted it in you and suddenly it's alive.
That's what this movie reminded me of. And now I'm awake, attempting to replicate a feeling that's been lost to me for quite some time now. Which, I don't even think it's fair to categorize what I experienced into a "feeling" because I experienced it more like a MOVEMENT. I was completely picked up and relocated physically and emotionally, in an unbelievable way.
Now, I grasp for romantic movements under the moon while I drive home with all the windows down and my arms hanging out of my sunroof. I allow myself to drift away during loud conversations because I've accidentally pulled a significant memory from my file of the "too much memory stored" bank in my head. I stop mid stride and attempt to shake away thoughts of hand holding.
I loathe love, but am completely in love and infatuated with it all at the same time. The most frightening realization is that moment when it's gone. Is that it? Do you only get one? Are we only given one great love in this wonderfully short period of time on Earth? What do we do once it's gone? Was that person our "one great" if they leave us?
My "one great"...well, that's an unfiltered story for my book and another sleepless night with the moon.
I fell in love.
I fought it. I truly did, but this wonderful suffrage reminded me of a "once love." The only time I've been able to look into someone's eyes (other than my children) and just be in awe at how much I love him. Because THAT kind of love is different from all others. It births itself in your core, deep inside your soul right next to your morals and the memory of how your grandma's house smells, and it lives there until the right person comes along and digs it out. You don't really ever realize that you're not feeling love until suddenly one day, you can feel everything.
You feel the wind,
you feel silence,
you feel the creases in the back of their hand,
you feel your hair move when you walk down the street,
you feel sweet kisses,
you feel the warmth of the moonlight and the cool breeze of the sun
you feel orange juice
you feel leaves falling
you feel everything
Suddenly, you know love.
You know it for all that it is in the way God intended it to be felt. He planted it in you and suddenly it's alive.
That's what this movie reminded me of. And now I'm awake, attempting to replicate a feeling that's been lost to me for quite some time now. Which, I don't even think it's fair to categorize what I experienced into a "feeling" because I experienced it more like a MOVEMENT. I was completely picked up and relocated physically and emotionally, in an unbelievable way.
Now, I grasp for romantic movements under the moon while I drive home with all the windows down and my arms hanging out of my sunroof. I allow myself to drift away during loud conversations because I've accidentally pulled a significant memory from my file of the "too much memory stored" bank in my head. I stop mid stride and attempt to shake away thoughts of hand holding.
I loathe love, but am completely in love and infatuated with it all at the same time. The most frightening realization is that moment when it's gone. Is that it? Do you only get one? Are we only given one great love in this wonderfully short period of time on Earth? What do we do once it's gone? Was that person our "one great" if they leave us?
My "one great"...well, that's an unfiltered story for my book and another sleepless night with the moon.
Sunday, July 6, 2014
Worthy is the Lamb
Worth.
When promptly looked up on my handy spotlight app on my laptop, worth is defined as:
(adj)- sufficiently good, important, or interesting to justify a specified action; deserving to be treated or regarded in the way specified
or
(noun)-the value equivalent to that of someone or something under consideration; the level at which someone or something deserves to be valued or rated
Taking these definitions into consideration, I have realized that self worth is not defined by how others value you, but how you intrinsically consider your own worth.
My life seems to be a constant movement of God saying, "If you thought THAT was hard, wait until you go through THIS." I've found myself questioning God and others with "Why me?" (even though I already know the answer). There is no one who could go through the life that I have gone through and still be able to thrive. Not my life. We are all given a life that is unique to us, to our souls. When God created us, He created us already knowing the decisions we would make, if they would be right or wrong. He also knew who we would hurt and who would hurt us. He allowed them to be brought into our lives, sometimes we welcomed these people too easily and that's on us. Because even though He knows all these things, He also gives us ways out. It's what we humans like to call "red flags." The moments God gives us clarity and we continue to allow the treatment because we don't believe we are worthy of better. This feeling of unworthiness is birthed through multiple circumstances. Maybe something happened when we were younger, a relationship that killed our hope, the death of someone we love, abandonment from family. The list of issues that cause diminishing worth can start small, but the truth is that it manifests into something greater than we are ever aware of. It sneaks up on us, it creeps up our backs and whispers in our ears as we ignore the events, they become white noise. We grow accustomed to the monotony circumstantial pain.
We sensationalize the pain and reinvent what we call it, "lessons." Because of this we willingly allow ourselves to be taught that pain is a norm. Our teachers (those who continue to hurt us) create lessons out of play books that have been handed down to them from those who have taught them about the lessons of pain. To them, our pain is normal. Days full of heartache are territorial and if we can't handle the pain; there's another "lesson" for that. We are trained that our perception of self worth is false and after years of painful lessons, we begin to believe our teachers. Pain is a norm. Carrying the burden of heartache is an expectation. Formulated moments of happiness are rare. Our worth is fictional.
The truth.
Happiness is not formulated, it is...
Happiness is
Gratefulness in the morning
Breathing in fresh air when you first open your door
Clean hair
Children laughing at your laugh
Soft touches when you feel you're weakest
Barefeet in sand
Warm blankets out of the dryer
Coffee in the morning
Cold sheets at night
A pillow that's "just right"
Being under the arms of someone who was molded for you
Knowing the flaws of your lover's face
Loving the flaws of your lover's face
The truth
We are all worthy.
When promptly looked up on my handy spotlight app on my laptop, worth is defined as:
(adj)- sufficiently good, important, or interesting to justify a specified action; deserving to be treated or regarded in the way specified
or
(noun)-the value equivalent to that of someone or something under consideration; the level at which someone or something deserves to be valued or rated
Taking these definitions into consideration, I have realized that self worth is not defined by how others value you, but how you intrinsically consider your own worth.
My life seems to be a constant movement of God saying, "If you thought THAT was hard, wait until you go through THIS." I've found myself questioning God and others with "Why me?" (even though I already know the answer). There is no one who could go through the life that I have gone through and still be able to thrive. Not my life. We are all given a life that is unique to us, to our souls. When God created us, He created us already knowing the decisions we would make, if they would be right or wrong. He also knew who we would hurt and who would hurt us. He allowed them to be brought into our lives, sometimes we welcomed these people too easily and that's on us. Because even though He knows all these things, He also gives us ways out. It's what we humans like to call "red flags." The moments God gives us clarity and we continue to allow the treatment because we don't believe we are worthy of better. This feeling of unworthiness is birthed through multiple circumstances. Maybe something happened when we were younger, a relationship that killed our hope, the death of someone we love, abandonment from family. The list of issues that cause diminishing worth can start small, but the truth is that it manifests into something greater than we are ever aware of. It sneaks up on us, it creeps up our backs and whispers in our ears as we ignore the events, they become white noise. We grow accustomed to the monotony circumstantial pain.
We sensationalize the pain and reinvent what we call it, "lessons." Because of this we willingly allow ourselves to be taught that pain is a norm. Our teachers (those who continue to hurt us) create lessons out of play books that have been handed down to them from those who have taught them about the lessons of pain. To them, our pain is normal. Days full of heartache are territorial and if we can't handle the pain; there's another "lesson" for that. We are trained that our perception of self worth is false and after years of painful lessons, we begin to believe our teachers. Pain is a norm. Carrying the burden of heartache is an expectation. Formulated moments of happiness are rare. Our worth is fictional.
The truth.
Happiness is not formulated, it is...
Happiness is
Gratefulness in the morning
Breathing in fresh air when you first open your door
Clean hair
Children laughing at your laugh
Soft touches when you feel you're weakest
Barefeet in sand
Warm blankets out of the dryer
Coffee in the morning
Cold sheets at night
A pillow that's "just right"
Being under the arms of someone who was molded for you
Knowing the flaws of your lover's face
Loving the flaws of your lover's face
The truth
We are all worthy.
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