A December to Remember

This holiday season has not held back on taxing the strength of a mom/student/worker/over-achiever. I have found that I listen to the radio less and enjoy the silence of the car more. Today I looked at my daughter and saw a baby that I barely know. She still freaks out and crawls to me when I come through the door, but when we look face to face I can see her questioning eyes staring into my heart. So I decided: this December is going to be one to remember. This will be my last holiday working as a retail manager, this will be the last year I let thoughts of depression consume me, this is the last year (moment) that I let the devil steal my joy. I have a wonderful and loving family that I am missing out on because of things I call "life" and "necessary." My family should be my life. I am working so hard that I have not enjoyed the life I struggled so much to build. This December I will remind myself to not be defeated, I will take hold of the happiness that has always been hiding inside me, I will let myself enjoy pastries, and I will crawl under the Christmas tree with my children every night. This December will be my first step into the next year...the greatest year for the Grays (yet). We will continue to walk the path that God has placed in front of us and we will walk with conviction and purpose. This December I will remember my fallen friend and the family members that are still lost and yet to be saved. This December I will remember....

It's a circus out there...so you better grab a clown suit!

It's so eerily quiet right now in my house because Matt took the kids over to his mom's and I'm about to head out for work. However with the twenty minutes that I rarely have to spare-well I guess these twenty minutes are more sacrificial than sparing-I feel the need to update my blog. Or as I like to think of it a public diary that no one seems to read :(

I just came back from a charity walk with my work and family and realized that my house is a mess, we're moving in three weeks, I haven't read any of my assignments for Brit Lit, I've got the Praxis in a month, I'm missing class next week because I have to work, there is no time for my husband and I to be a COUPLE and my kids barely know me......What am I doing all this for?

FOR THEM

But then I am faced with a dilemma. Continue to keep trucking through this circus I call life or throw in the towel and stay at home with the kids?

I guess it would be easier if only one of us had eight million things going on....but BOTH Matt and I are constantly on the go. How is it that some families can simply work part time, live off welfare and WIC and be happy while people like Matt and I kill ourselves to make it?

I have to keep reminding myself that God blessed me with my two children with a purpose in mind. I may not know that purpose and it may be driving me nuts, but I have to continue to live my life with His purpose in mind. Otherwise how will I succeed?

I wish I could be one of those moms that could see the purpose in the eyes of her children. But when I come home (or sometimes even when I leave for work too) their eyes are closed. I can only stand there and try to pry myself away from watching them sleep. So peaceful and naive to the world outside their little blanket covered window. I thank God for giving them to me because without them I probably would have given up a long time ago. Maybe I do find purpose in them...it just kills me that I cannot see or feel it. I miss out on the hugs and playtime because I am too busy paying bills, changing mailing addresses, calling about moving dates, setting up appointments, laundry, cleaning the kitchen, vacuuming, cleaning the bathroom, cleaning the other bathroom....working 40+ hours a week.......

How do I set life aside in order to enjoy life?

Winter.....how did you sneak up so fast?

It's such a bittersweet moment as the leaves start to fall and you know that winter is right around the corner. Today I was making a last minute trip to the store before going out of town with the kids and realized that I had to buy Maliya 9 month winter clothing...Next thing you know it'll be February, my birthday will have passed (I'll be 21...) and Maliya will be a year old already! And here I am trying to rush her along to crawling! With winter comes age, another chapter ending and another chapter closer to getting our degrees! So with that I say, "Winter: Your cold days are less than desireable and I hate what you do to our roads. I am not looking forward to the stupidity that drivers are struck with when you lay down your icy hand....but I welcome you, only for a brief moment......"

The Evolution of the Offspring

My Children seem to keep growing and growing. Just the other day I was discussing with a friend how where Little Matt would go to kindergarten was another reason we decided to move deeper into Overland Park.....I almost cried thinking that in just two short years my son will be in SCHOOL and Maliya will be a walking, talking toddler. But for now....this is where they are:

Little Matt loves making up stories. Anytime he hears Big Matt or I telling a story about something that has happened, he says, "Mom, look at my story!" We're working on the right words to use! He is a repeat offender. Anything you can say, he says it louder. He LOVES Maliya. He's always asking to hold her and he tries consistently to get in her crib. He's WAAAAYYYY over the weight limit. He's the best big brother. There are times where he tries to get our attention by acting like he doesn't know how to do something. But as long as he is encouraged to behave like a big boy he has a positive turn around.

Maliya is a talker as well. They both get that quality from their daddy. I can talk, but definitely not as much as Big Matt. Maliya has been teething since four months and wants to put everything in her mouth. She started sitting up a couple weeks ago, although she falls down a few seconds after realizing that she is on her own. She hates being on her tummy but we are encouraging her to get over herself and embrace the tummy time. I'm not too worry about it though. I comfort myself in knowing that all babies are just as different as we are and that they all develop differently. Little Matt was always ahead of the game, I think Maliya loves to take her time.

We've started solid foods with her cereal. She's doing well in the orange foods but is not fond of anything green. Typical. She can almost hold her bottle which is a relief because there is always so much to do.

The kids are definitely evolving and I love watching how they interact with each other and their cousins. There is nothing like kissing the warm foreheads of your children before going to bed. Nothing like it.

A Change is Gonna Come

It's the end of August and ever since I was a little girl I always got the "change" feeling right before all the leaves started to fall and the grass started to die. I've grown to love this feeling. It reminds me that the holidays are right around the corner. Even though I have grown to dislike the weather of the winter and holiday times, I LOVE the fact that it's a reason for family to get together. It seems that each year we are rushed to figure out what we are going to do for the holidays, whose family we will visit, and if we will go out of town. This year I am definitely embracing our completed family with our addition of Maliya and our new apartment with more room and new beginnings!

Our Family Story

Our Children

I realized that winter used to be my favorite time of year because my birthday is in January and of course Christmas is in December. After these crazy winter days in Kansas I believe my opinion has changed after 25 years! Looking outside I can see the trees starting to bloom their first flowers and I am reminded that my son's birthday is right around the corner. I think that's why I initially started to love summer days.

May of 2007 we were driving from Springfield, MO back to Branson with our newborn son. Everything was new and I was so anxious to see if I would be able to become this phenomenal mother that I wanted my son to have. Matthew Elias was an "easy" baby. He only cried when he was hungry or dirty and then went right back to sleep. My maternity leave with him was a breeze. I sat on the couch all day and cuddled with my new baby. He has now grown into a perfect miniature version of his father. Which for me, at times, can either be entertaining or completely nerve wrecking. There are times when I look up and find both Matts in front of the mirror dancing the newest dance craz, while intensely staring at themselves to assess how their moves are working. Now he is turning three and I am starting all over again with Maliya.
She definitely has my personality. Everything has to be her way and just the way that she wants it or she screams. I'm not a screamer, but that's surely how I feel at times. She is very particular about how she wants to be held and when. She has the most beautiful caramel skin. Everyday she is getting darker, which I am excited for because it's so stunning with her hair.I am so proud of her jet black hair. Although I know that it will change in a few months and probably transform into the red-brown curls that Little Matt has. My maternity leave with her has been a little less relaxing than with Matt, to say the least. This time around I am chasing after a two (soon to be three) year old, trying to catch up on classwork, and making an attempt to domesticate myself. When we got married I had tricked Big Matt into thinking that I was this cleaning, cooking, potential-house-wife-machine. Turns out I'm just as lazy as him. So now while on my "vacation" I've been trying to get myself back into the swing of being a working, mom/student/wife. Let me tell you, it's not relaxing at all, and I haven't even gone back to work yet!
It's going to be a whole new ball game when I return to work and I'm not sure how we are going to survive financially or emotionally, but we are ready to take on the challenge. Anytime I start to feel a little doubt or fear (which are my biggest obstacles), I reassure myself and God that He is in charge of my life. I know He wouldn't have blessed me with two amazing children and not given me the means to provide for them. So here's to the next few months and attempting to survive!

Famliy Pictures

We went and had our first family pictures taken Thursday. They were taken by Nicole Gravatt. She owns her own couture photography business. These are just our first samples and we should see the finished products in a couple weeks.

Maliya was a handful trying to get her to stop fussing long enough to get the photos taken. There was a lot of rocking, feeding, singing, and multi-tasking. Big Matt had no idea what was going on so he played on his iPhone during the individual baby pictures. We got some shots though, it was all about the timing.

The boys were both cranky because we went and had them taken right in the middle of nap and lunch time. Big Matt and Little Matt are the same when it comes to sleep and food. If they haven't had the right amount of sleep and you haven't fed them, they won't do anything you want them to do. So needless to say, it was a bit of a hassle and right when I was doing some major bribing with a Popeye's lunch....we were finished.

If these are just a few that she put together in a matter of twenty minutes I can't wait to see the finished product after two weeks!

Ahhh.....Listen to Me!

After seeing a blog from a fellow mommy I was inspired to create on of my own for my family and friends to browse around on. I have family and friends that don't live close and I am not one for talking/calling on the phone so I figured this would be a great place to put some of our family events, photos, and get my writing fix. It will take a while to get the whole thing up and going so be patient...remember I still have 800 other plates to keep spinning! Enjoy!