Today, I woke to news that devastated my heart. Every day this week, I seemed to wake to devastating news. Today I made the choice, that even though my heart ached and my soul was lonely (feeling abandoned and cheated from a mate), I was going to worship and praise God all day. I couldn't allow myself a moment of self pity. I also chose not to believe the news. My heart and soul were given vision of my destiny and this news was not in line. I chose not to believe what was clearly in black and white in front of me, but to believe what God showed me.
Eventually, once my finished book is out in the universe, my testimony will told. All the unbelievable stories of my life will be unveiled. Even now, I wonder how I've made it this far. I'm 29 years old and have constantly been surrounded with darkness and tragedy all my life. How have I been spared? Why did He choose to save me? I ask myself these questions frequently. It's only been recently that I've been reminded of the strength I have. I'm sure if my emotional scars could combine with my physical scars, I would be unrecognizable. But God. He assured me that no matter the amount of emotional ripping away at my little heart, He would continue to heal it. I realized I was angry at God because I thought He had broken a promise to me, but He never promised to spare me from the pain. He promised He would heal me.
I am constantly taking inhales and visualizing myself reaching into my core to pull out strength. Now I know why God made me such a small lady. I'm underestimated in my strength. I'm underestimated in my abilities to break through and because of this my breakthrough only becomes greater. I've started to recognize the surprise in people's faces when they hear me speak. Little, quiet, reserved, over-the-top-with-the-sarcasm, strange and random Dianna has a big voice. My strength is more than my ability to recover from heart ache and pain. My strength IS my heart ache and pain. This little frame with a little more to love, can uphold the Goliath of heartbreak and more than that, I can live to speak about it. I can live to encourage others. I can live to encourage myself.
So today, even with my heart breaking and my soul asking questions about where Love went. Why it was abandoned. Why it has to stand alone until Love returns (because Love will return). Even now, this second, as I yearn for God to hurry up with the vision so that Love will understand how important it is in my life...I will smile. I will laugh my contagious and irritating laugh. I will encourage. I will not give up. I will not give in. I will not fall. Because when Love returns, I refuse to let it go.
Sunday, April 6, 2014
Saturday, April 5, 2014
All You Need is Love (?)
She's back with a vengeance (you would think).
Recently I've been evaluating love in my life. NOT my love life, but simply love IN my life. Well, maybe my love life as well. I'm an emotional person, somewhat impulsive when it comes to sharing my heart. After all I wear my heart on my t-shirt, under my shoe and plastered on my fingertips to be given away with every hand shake and hug. The most difficult part of this journey has been learning to love myself unconditionally. Finding that peace within that remains calm and joyous no matter the circumstance (or who chooses to love me back). I believe that as human beings, (especially women) we put too much value and expectation on others loving us in a way that we see fit. Therefore, when the love falls bottom-out and we're struggling to hold on and pull ourselves back up the cliff, we automatically want to blame the other person who didn't meet our love expectations. In the end there's no one else there to pull us up, no hand to help us out and that person who took away their love is definitely not coming back. Love seems to personify and leave us confused, hurt and angry. How dare love come in so swiftly and blow us off our feet? What was Love thinking when it said "I love you" and declared this stronghold on us? What were WE thinking when we allowed Love to enter our hearts?
The truth is, I believe we're all born with this Love trapped in our hearts and souls and it's not until we meet that ONE person, that it's unleashed. Sometimes we make mistakes and portions may escape, but eventually we realize that it's not right. Something feels off, we feel incomplete. So we move on and search for someone who can unlock our love. The mistake that women make is searching all of God's green earth with a backpack full of love survival gear and a flashlight shining light on even the darkest of corners in pursuit of that one person. What we've failed to realize is that under the correct lighting, the darkest of corners with the darkest of beings become an illusion of Love and brightness. Unfortunately, many of us don't learn of this wonderfully master minded trick until it's too late. Now we're trying to break into our own hearts to unlock Love with someone who doesn't have a key.
However, once we do find the person who unlocks our Love, it's an overwhelming intense emotion that knocks us down and smothers us with embraces and comfort. The air around us transforms every time that person is around. Our hearts react to even the small glimpses of their hands. It's enough to make us feel certifiably crazy. But of course, even this Love can be taken away from us. If this is true, then why risk it at all? Why risk the pain just to experience the fall?
Recently I've been evaluating love in my life. NOT my love life, but simply love IN my life. Well, maybe my love life as well. I'm an emotional person, somewhat impulsive when it comes to sharing my heart. After all I wear my heart on my t-shirt, under my shoe and plastered on my fingertips to be given away with every hand shake and hug. The most difficult part of this journey has been learning to love myself unconditionally. Finding that peace within that remains calm and joyous no matter the circumstance (or who chooses to love me back). I believe that as human beings, (especially women) we put too much value and expectation on others loving us in a way that we see fit. Therefore, when the love falls bottom-out and we're struggling to hold on and pull ourselves back up the cliff, we automatically want to blame the other person who didn't meet our love expectations. In the end there's no one else there to pull us up, no hand to help us out and that person who took away their love is definitely not coming back. Love seems to personify and leave us confused, hurt and angry. How dare love come in so swiftly and blow us off our feet? What was Love thinking when it said "I love you" and declared this stronghold on us? What were WE thinking when we allowed Love to enter our hearts?
The truth is, I believe we're all born with this Love trapped in our hearts and souls and it's not until we meet that ONE person, that it's unleashed. Sometimes we make mistakes and portions may escape, but eventually we realize that it's not right. Something feels off, we feel incomplete. So we move on and search for someone who can unlock our love. The mistake that women make is searching all of God's green earth with a backpack full of love survival gear and a flashlight shining light on even the darkest of corners in pursuit of that one person. What we've failed to realize is that under the correct lighting, the darkest of corners with the darkest of beings become an illusion of Love and brightness. Unfortunately, many of us don't learn of this wonderfully master minded trick until it's too late. Now we're trying to break into our own hearts to unlock Love with someone who doesn't have a key.
However, once we do find the person who unlocks our Love, it's an overwhelming intense emotion that knocks us down and smothers us with embraces and comfort. The air around us transforms every time that person is around. Our hearts react to even the small glimpses of their hands. It's enough to make us feel certifiably crazy. But of course, even this Love can be taken away from us. If this is true, then why risk it at all? Why risk the pain just to experience the fall?
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