Just Listen

Before you begin to read this, please know, this is MY story. I do not share because I want to expose anyone or anything, I share because this is MY testimony and how I heal.
Enjoy.

During my mini and struggling hiatus I have been receiving so much encouragement and at the same time have been struggling to encourage myself on some days. I think those are the day when God takes over and says, "Sit down, girl, I got this." Recently I've received a few e-mails from women asking me "How do you do it?" This question has been following me around for years. Most times I begin my answer with "I don't know" and then before I know it I'm uncovering relevant moments when God has not only carried, but fed me during times of spiritual starvation.

In response to an e-mail I wrote this:
"You're probably asleep and in my true nature I'm up thinking and writing. I've been waiting for the right time to be able to sit down and type my response for you. Your question actually helped inspire my latest blog post/book entry. I can't say that I've moved ON, but moved FORWARD. There's this saying that you can only move in two directions, forward or back. If you are still (stagnant) you are not moving. I refused to allow myself to stay stuck in a position of pain, misery and depression. Not to say that I didn't live there for a while, because I did. But eventually the pain inflicted from him breaking my heart was too much for me to bare. I couldn't handle the lies anymore. I had to move somewhere and backwards was not an option, so I decided to move forward. It has been one of the most difficult decisions I have ever made because I think of my kids, but I also couldn't allow them to see a mother who was miserable and always hurt. I couldn't allow my daughter to believe that a man should treat her like that or for my son to think it was okay. Now when it comes to finding the strength...it's a daily and sometimes hourly struggle. I'm still finding out lies that hurt me and I feel like I'm dying, but then I realize: "I AM BETTER THAN THIS." YOU ARE TOO. You have to encourage yourself, because you're all you have. At the end of the night when you go to bed it's you struggling with your thoughts and THAT'S when you hand it over to God. HE's there for you. I'm not sure how your relationship with God is, and mine is NOT perfect, but He has lifted me up EVERY time I've been weak. EVERY time I've failed. I'm definitely here for you. Encouraging/helping other women keeps me alive. I need you too. I love you girl. Please let me know if this helped at all."

After sending this e-mail I've been sitting, intensely allowing my thoughts to process and filter through my mind and heart. I am very careful about what I write and when. If there is one thing I have learned over this past (almost year), it's that my artistry and spirit are not purposed to damage, but to uplift. I was broken down so that I would know what it's like, so that I could experience first hand the different levels of pain and have a testimony of how I still thrived. 

It's. Not. Easy. 

I remember when I used to say "it's not fair" to my mom (complaining about heartbreak and why I didn't get to go gallivant outdoors), her response was always "Who told you life was fair?" I think about that often. We are handed certain tests and in the same sense when you're older, in a higher grade, and get harder tests; God hands you tests that are more difficult the more you mature in your spiritual growth. It's not fair. It's not meant to be fair. It's meant to make you grow. It's meant to force you to see how strong He has made you when others (including yourself) are telling you that you are weak.

I am not super woman. I don't have super powers or answers to all of life's problems. I can't heal you with my book or photos or eloquently placed adjectives and verbs. 
I can only inspire. I can only aid. 
That change you need? That strength you need? 
It's all inside of you, God placed it there, specifically for this moment. 
Close your eyes, breathe, and go get it.