All attention....

I was recently reminded about my abilities to convey random thoughts into effective sentences (shout out to Shemika Kennison for the encouragement ;) ). I am a firm believer that God speaks to us all at a volume we need to hear Him and at the precise time that we need to hear it. I have felt this "shut down" inside my gut. I realize I have so much to say and no one to express it to (directly). I feel that the majority of issues I think about are too ego-centric and focused on selfish reasoning. Because of this, "relate-ability" is an issue.

I am now a full time English teacher in Kansas City, KS. It has brought many challenges. For some of these I feel I had the proper foresight to anticipate and others have slapped me so hard in the face that I have to stop my head from spinning from the impact. From these issues, many of my own personal views and opinions have been challenged. I never thought that at almost 30 years old I would be having self-esteem issues, spiritual battles, or emotional catalysts.

When I was in the second grade my mom let me start dressing myself. I still remember the outfit I picked out. A white graphic tank top with purple trim and purple striped shorts to match. I wore clear jelly sandals and a purple headband. I remember being upset because I couldn't find my earrings to match. From that moment as a second grader, I have always LOVED fashion and beauty anything that goes with it. As I've AGED (I have to deal with that fact!) it seems like my "first love of all things fashion" is abnormal to those around me.

Last year, as a student teacher, I dealt with a few side glances and questions of "Is that the teacher?" I knew it wasn't really a problem to complain about--looking young enough to be in high school. However, it wasn't just about how young I looked. It was about my attractiveness. My looks began to take the front seat and my effectiveness as a teacher began to take the back seat. This assumption has followed me into my first year of teaching. First I would just brush it off as being the newbie, but then I started to notice that frequently (almost every day) some one would make a side comment about the way I look. It might be about how I did my hair: "Why do you spend so much time on your hair?" Maybe it was about my outfit for the day, "Why do you always dress so nice?" Or maybe it was about my choice of both. I know that most of these are just innocent observations. I suppose a mom of two who likes to still dress business casual/dressy is an anomaly. Although I recognize this, the comments compounded and I started to question myself as a woman. My self-esteem dropped. Was I that stupid that no one could see past my love for fashion and see my passion for teaching? Is that the only reason they think students visit my class in their free time? The lack of support around me (when it comes to this issue) made me even more upset. I've begun to feel like everyone, friends and family, are all seeing me as a "pretty face."

I suppose that my entire life I've started out with low self-esteem and no self worth so I carried myself differently. As a grown woman I learned to hold my head high and especially after FINALLY earning a degree (the first of my immediate family), I WANTED to hold my head high. Now I wonder if I should hang my head a little to blend in more with the crowd.