When I was younger I used to lay on my floor with my feet strategically posted next to my radio. I would listen to Mariah Carey sing about love and All 4 One swoon me promises about my wedding day. I was in love with love. I would even go as far as to sit on my desk in front on my window in hopes that someone would walk by and be stopped by my beauty only to later throw rocks at my window to get my attention. My mind and heart were young, innocent, and STUPID. Forget the whole "naive," that's just a pleasant way of saying that someone is stupid. I'll just come right out and admit it.
It seems only right that fifteen years later I acknowledge what has happened to my heart. The past couple of months I have been searching my soul and spirit. Type. Delete. Type. Delete. Even as I write this I am going back and erasing words that are too honest even for myself. Intimidated by the back lash and judgment I delete some phrases and sentences I am not ready to unleash to the public.
When I was twelve I was scarred. Yes, it has healed. It is just a piece of my past now, no longer creeping into my dreams. Or so I like to think. But once where my heart was (no there's not an ice box there), instead a smaller-less-productive heart resides. I engulf myself into my work and tasks of the day and than at night, before I rest my head on a very uncomfortable pillow, I think. I search that small heart for peace and purpose. Sometimes I think I'm still twelve. Still stupid.
I had let myself get used and tormented by the men in my life. Emotionally and physically. Now, here I am a woman almost 30 and I am emotionally tormenting myself. What did my mother train me to become? Who have I let God "exchange" me into? Questions burn through my mind and into that little heart of mine constantly.
D, this book (along with the workbook) is something our church entire church just finished studying. We broke into weekly home church groups to share and lift each other up while doing the homework in the workbook. It opened my eyes and heart to some things that I needed to see to become a stronger woman, at the age of 37, in Christ. It might give you the answers you're looking for. I too have been through some stuff and while doing this book, thought I was going to be able to blog about it, but it's too personal and I can't find the words to share. Just know that we all struggle. Love you.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.christianbook.com/emotionally-healthy-spirituality-unleash-revolution-christ/peter-scazzero/9780849946424/pd/946424/1284115531?item_code=WW&netp_id=873089&event=PPCSRC&view=details
You know me, my screen name says it all. My thoughts flow so much that I can barely finish one at a time. I've got only one this time.
ReplyDeleteYou can'be helped until you're heard.
when you use the little bit of heart you have to continually care for others and their feelings, it gets more unlikely that you'll recover from the pain you desperately wish someone would take away. People always say "just talk about it" but aren't truly willing to listen. Then others suggest going straight to the source but, yeah, if they only knew how that goes.
D, you have a voice so exhale some so that when prayers go up, we'll know how to recognize the answers sent just for you. Then after the prayerswe really have to make our desires plain and clear so more time isn't wasted hopin for nothin!
Stay Strong, you still have the Beautiful gig covered!