I am almost done with my student teaching and as lucrative positions open and close I am drawing and pulling closer to the vision God has given me. I find myself consistently speaking in a future tone. "When I get my own classroom." "Let's get this for my new class." All while the speaking is going on I wrestle with my flesh tearing away my optimistic outlook. This internal struggle may be more evident to myself, but lately I have noticed that my external self is struggling as well.
I have managed to put back on almost 20 pounds that I worked so hard to get rid of, not loose, because I know exactly where I put them and picked them back up! I have also started to fail at the jobs that I find most pertinent in my life. Wife. Mother. How is it that in the midst of trying to balance everything for the sake of the greater good I have lost sight in it? No, not sight. Just hold. I can still see them. I can hear their laughs. However, I have become a spectator in the life I have worked so hard to obtain. I watch my children color and tackle each other. I watch my husband make plans for our business and attend meetings that I should be at. Where did all that balance go? Where is my cape that has all my super powers?
I function day to day just as I did before. Keeping track of my activities, crossing them off as I go so that I do not miss a thing. Shower? Check. Diaper bag ready? Check. Both kids dressed and hair brushed? Check. Living room toys picked up? Check. Papers graded? Check....The list goes on until it runs into the next day. When I look back at the day I realize that I missed the simple moments that I should have soaked in. My daughter reaching for me at 5 am to get out of the crib and cuddle with daddy. Instead I am distracted by the soaked pull-up that has leaked over her night clothes. Change her and quickly exchange kisses for a new onsie. Or my son shooting straight out of bed to ask "Where are we going today?" curious of the day's adventures. Instead I see a wide eyed boy ready to eat breakfast and in desperate need of a bigger bed. Add that to the list.
I missed it.
I missed the moments to sit with my kids and pray. I missed teaching them to thank God for waking them. I missed teaching them how to talk to God first thing. Sure we prayed and thanked God at night, but what about what He has done for us through the night?
I missed it.
I missed my husband getting into bed to tell me about the team meeting. To share with me his vision for our family. I was exhausted from a day of work and planning for the upcoming school week. I missed the opportunity to let him know that I see him. Not just who he was, or who he is, but the small things he is doing to become who God wants him to be. Yes, I feel it's taking a long time. But my timeline is not the one in control here.
So after all this, how do I find the better balance? How do I juggle knives and not get cut? Does it exist? I thought I had it all figured out until I realized that I WAS in two places at once. I was the juggler tossing knives high in the air awaiting for them to descend into my hands (hopefully) gracefully. And I was the spectator. Watching the juggler, secretly wishing that one knife would drop innocently to the floor so that the terror of watching would slowly decrease.
Oh my, oh my, oh my!!! There are a million and two things in my head right now. The biggest of them all is a relief that someone knows EXACTLY what I am experiencing. I sympathize with you because I know personally that juggling is "fun" to me. I like being able to balance life but it's the imbalance that is created from a lack of support or success that disturbs me. I am especially impressed with your writing style though. WOW WOW WOW! SO NICE! Kinda Jealous too! :)
ReplyDeleteWhile reading this I have to hold back tears because I'm guilty! I've felt the pain of the things on my checklist that STILL don't have checks and then some of them have simply been scribbled through. I want to regain control over the things that matter in my life but it seems as if, like you, the future is literally in arms reach so 'I HAVE TO MAKE PREPARATIONS FOR IT' so we can enjoy it...all the while everyone else is suffering while YOU do all the hard work. Irony. It sometimes feels like a catch 22 but be encouraged. And yes, definitely take a step back and reorganize things. Some of it just DOESN'T matter! I know that it may seem like it'll make a difference but ask yourself, to whom?
I admire the fact that you make it your priority to examine yourself and your own progress. It makes it a bit easier to accept the criticism of others but please remember that adding skills to your resume of life doesn't mean you'll get higher pay, it simply means you'll be qualified to WORK for more people. (This was for me, but since I was writing I thought I'd put on this AWESOME blog spot)
I've never blogged so this is cool!