Lessons my Divorce Taught Me

These past couple of years have gone by so quickly. I feel like I've been watching myself grow toddler style. First I let go of my bottle, learned to roll over and suddenly I'm graduating high school. Along the way, life has managed to do everything from strangle me senseless in a dark alley to bring me breakfast in bed with a side of unlimited back rubs. In short, I've learned a lot.

There have been multiple chapters in my life but two phases that I want to focus on the most:
my divorce and falling in love again.

Traveling through each of these phases has taught me a lot and in the end, saved my life. Reflection is vital to improvement. After all, you may run the risk of history repeating itself if you don't take the time to look back at what has made you.

So let's get started.

My divorce has taught me:

1) We (women) can NOT change a man.
*I heard once (via the Steve Harvey show) that a man WILL change for a woman, but only once. I believe that our mistake as women is that we ALWAYS feel we are that ONE. A man has to choose if he deems you "worthy" of his change. Otherwise, there will be no change. My mistake was that I thought I was the one.

2) It's okay not to be THE ONE
* I felt it was my fault for not being everything he wanted me to be and yes, I had faults in the marriage. However, in the end, I wasn't that ONE he would change for and ultimately I had to learn the hard way that it was okay.

3) Let a lie be a lie.
*After the divorce I would try so hard to defend myself. I was constantly crying and fighting (with an imaginary listener). There was no point. I had to draw a line and realize that there was no need to defend myself or my truth anymore. Those who know me know my heart and my character and if anyone who didn't know me wanted to know the truth, all they had to do was ask. I had to stop trying to battle with liars.

4) The children belong to God, we're just temporary guides on their life journey
* It's easy to get territorial over your children, especially as a mother. There is no other bond stronger than a mother's. We GREW them INSIDE our bodies for almost a year and went through the closet thing to death in order to bring them into the world. No one else has done that for them and because of that, there is an immediate bond with your children. However, they do not belong to us. The sooner I realized that my children were God's the easier it was for me to find peace with them being gone (which I am currently still working on.

5) I didn't "lose" the battle for his love
* If you ever find yourself battling for someone's love, stop. "If they don't want you, you don't want them." I used to think I gave up too quickly, that I let his behaviors win, that I should have battled for his attention longer, I should have begged more, I should have tried harder....because then I wouldn't be the "loser" in the situation. I don't see myself as the losing party here, hindsight has given me a clearer perspective.

6) It's okay to have some regrets
* Obviously after seeing my last bullet point, I have some regrets...and that's okay. I think in life we all have little regrets here and there. I would have tried harder and longer for the kids, but in the aftermath of it all, some people and things won't change (refer to point number one). I always say that if I could go back and do it all again that I would do it all EXACTLY the same because I wouldn't want to risk not having my children.

7) Happiness after divorce is acceptable
* When I started dating I was so scared to tell my ex (even though he never told me when he moved on....just started making alternate seating arrangements during church). I knew he would make my life hell, he told me he would. But I deserved to be happy and part of that was being allowed to publicly love someone new. I had to hide so much during my marriage and I was tired of having to hide my desire to be happy or that I WAS happy. His response was....predictable and I felt guilty for moving forward in my life. It was the beginning of a very long (and somewhat ongoing battle) for me to maintain my joy, but I continue to fight for it because I deserve it.

8) Being a Single Mom is the HARDEST thing I've every done (and I've had to testify against my father before)
* When I was married I functioned like a single mom because my (then) husband was gone all the time. TRULY being a single mom is a different story. I did not go into the transition flawlessly and that was hard for me and others to understand. Bluntly put, I lost my mind a little the summer of my divorce and I was judged for it. Looking back I wish I had someone who could have helped take care of me emotionally and that I seriously attended some sort of therapy. I underestimated how much of life change it would be and how difficult it would be managing a home on my own. I moved, finished my masters, and went through a divorce all in the same year.

9) It's possible to lose yourself in a marriage and it's also possible to find yourself in a divorce
* I am NOT an advocate for divorce. I do believe that marriage is eternal and in some ways (because of our children) there will always be a part of me eternally tied to my (ex) husband. In our marriage I lost myself and the dreams I had. I lost the person I was trying to become at 21 and at 29 I had become my husband's. I did what he wanted me to do, I forgave when I was supposed to, I ignored what I thought would make him mad and the minute I decided I wanted to do something for myself....everything unraveled, him included. After the divorce I spent a year re-learning who I was as a woman and along the way have found a gift of empowerment and my purpose. It was trapped in the marriage and I couldn't see it.

10) Silence is not submission
* I think one thing women should learn to do is be silent during times of turmoil and storms. There are many battles that aren't for us. They belong to God and it takes a great deal of courage and strength to shut our mouths, pray and let HIM do the fighting for you. There have been multiple fleshly accounts I have wanted to speak out about (this is not to say I haven't done my fair share of fleshly vents...I am human), however, I am silent about more things than most would know. I don't address certain issues because in the end, "you can't reason with crazy."