Dear Little Matt

Dear Little Matt,

Over the summer you told me that our relationship is "special because we talk about all different things." Any time I ask you to "Guess what?" you immediately know to answer "You love me." Your smile (your real one, not the fake one you use when I'm taking too many pictures) has a way of jumping straight into my heart and pumps life through all my limbs. You're almost as tall as me and you're only eight years old. You are the first boy in my life who is gentle with my heart and I'm positive that it's because you lived next to it for 9 months. You changed my life, my heart, my soul, my vision, and even my appearance.

When I found out I was pregnant with you I wasn't scared. I was calm because I knew I could do it, I could be your mom. It didn't matter to me that I wasn't married to your father (at the time). It didn't matter to me that I was only 21. It didn't matter to me that I was living on my own for the first time. Suddenly the biggest and most significant person in the world was living inside me and I wanted you. You didn't get to choose me but you love me as though you hand picked me from a sea of mothers and it makes me feel more than unique.

Music brings you alive and you're so weird that my weird loves your weird. Is that weird? You and I have a slightly off beat tempo that seems to match one another and when you laugh at my jokes, I become this superhuman who has scaled a volcano and suddenly I can conquer anything.

I want you to know that I will die protecting you. I will clasp your heart in my hands lightly and only allow a woman righteous enough to peek at it. I will consult God on your present and future. I will support you when you want to explore roads that others are afraid of and I will dance with you in department store windows and mirrors. I will always put ketchup on your rice and eggs in your Ramen noodles. I will buy you small action figures you will lose just so you can be genuinely happy for all your childhood.

When you grow up and fall in love I will let you fall, because that's the best part. The free fall and wind in your face as your heart starts to beat to that of another. And if she's not there to catch you, it'll be okay, because I'm a praying mother and you are strong and you will fall again and we'll do it again and I'll love you through it.

And when you leave me, you'll never leave me. I'll always remember your hugs that turned into grown man hugs at eight years old the moment I no longer had to bend down to kiss your forehead. I'll gradually (and quickly) get shorter than you and one day you'll be big enough to hold me in your arms the way I hold you. But I want you to know, you'll never have arms big enough to hold my love for you. You'll never want for acceptance or a partner. I will fight for you and you won't ever have to ask and you'll never see the battle on my face because for you, I became a warrior at 21 years old.

And I will always be a warrior, for you.