Dear Antonio

Dear Antonio,

Last night, I realized something that I've tried to deny for the past few months. You helped save me. When you entered my life, I was on the verge of self destruction. I never admitted it to you because I wanted to be that woman who had her life together and who you could flawlessly love without witnessing the dirt on her hands. Our relationship came as sudden and surprising as a snowflake in June and ironically we were formally introduced in June. When we met, I never gave you a second glance. You were off my radar and honestly, trying to get to know anyone at that point in my life was the last thing I was thinking about. But there you were, unexpected and present in my life and neither of us knew what that handshake would mean.

When you approached me months later about dating, I was more than hesitant. There were so many things stacked against you and I knew that with my background and freshly healing heart, the odds would be stacked up against us together as well. It took me a whole day to even realize you were interested in me and I threw everything I could at you so that you would find me unappealing. Yet, there, in the midst of all my negative and amplified characteristics you said something so cliche yet so needed, "I could treat you like the Queen that you are. You could be missing out." I don't know why coming from you it was like I was hearing those words for the first time and in reality I kind of was. No man had ever told me I was a Queen (I knew it though). No man had ever publicized that I deserved better. Suddenly, there I was handing you my phone number.

Even though our love formed fast, our relationship formed slow. You were clear you didn't want a commitment and I didn't want to rush into an "official" relationship quickly. However, as soon as we had a conversation about informing those around us that we were dating, I fell for you quickly. My love for you was fresh and I didn't know how it would grow, but I knew that it would. We prided ourselves on our privacy, taking the time to have quality one-on-one time, and being purposeful in sharing "us" with others. Here I was completely out of a failed marriage and for the first time in my life I was not only witnessing a healthy relationship, but I was half of it.

Now...here is where you saved me.
At the hands of other people I was allowing myself to decrease and any time I began to doubt myself, you loved me without question. I need to explain to you how your love for me has changed my life. You willingly prayed for me and my kids at the beginning of our relationship. You reminded me to focus on God and took time to fast with me. You didn't have to, but you did. When I cried over the pains that other men had inflicted on me, you hugged me and apologized for things you hadn't even done. When I got angry and didn't know how to express myself, you let me be okay with just crying for "no reason."
You call. You set an alarm and wake up every morning just to call me. Your voice calms me.
You play with my hair. You learned to play with my hair. Even though you haven't quite perfected it the way my mom used to do it, your effort is enough for me to love you more.
You support me. You do more than support me. You've found a way to include yourself in my life, into what I'm passionate about and you do so willingly and without making me feel like less of a woman or less of a mother or less of a person.
Your presence reminds me that it's possible to to have a custom made love.
You make me coffee in the morning.
You make me coffee at night.
When you did something that hurt my heart, you genuinely apologized and made sure I would never have to endure the pain again, and I never did.
You go on walks with me (even if you have to walk behind me because I'm being stubborn).
You chase me when I try to push you away because you know it's not what I really want.
You accept my apology when I realize I've been an idiot.
You love me even when I'm cranky (which can be often sometimes).
You let me stare at the stars.
You were constant and imperfect. You made mistakes and taught me that being human is okay. You taught me that men could have pride and not be prideful. 
You held my hand.
When I felt like I couldn't hold onto life anymore, your hand was the umbilical chord to God.

 
All these actions, these verbs, are ways that you've loved me and your love helped save me from destroying myself.

God saw it fit to place you as an interruption to where I thought I wanted to be in my life. I'll never be able to clearly explain to you how grateful I am that you took a chance on me, even with seeing me with all my scars and bruises and baggage. Even my bad days are good because I have you. With you I have vision.
With you, I am home.