Master of Failure

Disclaimer: I am feeling a certain way today. Possibly the most confused I've been in a while. Emotions are fickle, so tomorrow I could be writing in a different tone. But for now, this is a little bit of a dark place. So if you can't handle raw emotion or honesty, don't continue reading.

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I used to joke around that I was a Jack of all and master of none. I always seem to have my hand in multiple hats and spin each really well, but may not have maxed my skills in any certain genre. Recently I have found that I, Dianna Lynn Gray, am the Master of Failure. My failure varies from personal skills all the way to love. I have found I am on a Master Splinter level (that's a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle reference) when it comes to how frequently and effortlessly I am able to fail at love. Now, this is where I specify. It's not necessarily that I don't know how to love, because I truly do. I have this extremely passionate, unconditional, and selfless love. I tend to hand it out like dinner mints at a parade. I become addicted to the feeling. Well, I am addicted to love (in all her glorious forms). I like to spread her all over my friends and children. I cuddle and pinch and hug and kiss and hold hands. I'm in all in kind of love(stress).

There's a saying that goes: "Many people love the idea of you but lack the maturity to handle the reality of you." That's my life. 100% applicable.

The issue here:
I rarely get the love back.

Sometimes I do. It's temporal. Like a true addict I go through withdrawals, I have a physical reaction and become emotional. All I want is my next fix.

This is where you should know that I come from a family of addicts. I was blessed to not have any of my childhood demons follow me to adulthood and I have no vices. I have no bad habit that allows me to escape. Instead my drug of choice is love. Beyonce stole lyrics from my journal because I sure do get drunk in love. The horrible fact in all of this is that I tend to fail miserably when it comes to the whole execution of love. I over think and desire these deep connections and I usually receive them. The difficult (and failing) part is when the united party takes a step back, well 300 steps back in a fast pace then turns and starts running and I don't even know what's happening. Before I know it, I'm lost in this maze of confusion. Where did they go? What did I do? Why does this always happen? *hold opens arms* Will they come back and hug me? There's a new generation of abandoners that I had no idea existed, but apparently I attract the species in my life (in all forms).

What I have come to realize is that yes, maybe it is me. I am possibly the world's most intense person in life ever to love. I can be overwhelming. I question anyone's ability to love me. I question words and actions. I doubt people are capable of fighting the good fight with me. I. DOUBT. PEOPLE.

What have I learned? I'm glad you asked.

I don't doubt God.
There has to be a reason He keeps allowing me in all my free will glory to make the decision to try and love people when I know all that is going to happen is failure. In the end, God will be behind me with open arms and a compassionate look ready to receive His daughter again because I went giving away my love in all the dark places. I can only find comfort and solace in knowing that He has a purpose for all of it and a plan. I can't doubt that. I can't doubt Him.

This is the only reason my soul and heart have been able to be even partially resilient. She knows that God has a purpose. My pains are lessons. My hurt is sacrifice. I don't quite know why He uses me as much as He does, sometimes it's quite irritating, Like, "Okay, God. Give a girl a break man." But He's persistent. So whoever you are out there, the person my hurt is sacrificed for. Hurry up and learn your lesson, because I'm ready to be loved.