Through tears.
This post is made possible through tears.
We
all go on small journeys throughout our lives and don't even notice the
majority of them; not until it's time to say goodbye. Suddenly we're
looking back and replaying memories and attempting to taste, smell and
touch things and people who are no longer there. Personally, going from
running a four person household to being a single entity for a month was
a very obvious journey. Today, ironically a day of finalization (which
is also the middle of the week...there's so much irony in my life), has
me looking back on my journey. When I woke today, I had no idea there
would be so much significance in the day or in the finality that it
would bring. I find myself looking for closure in areas I know I may
never receive answers in. I've cried, but not that snot nosed cry. Not yet.
I have to wait because I know that once I start I won't be able to stop
for a full day...and well, I'm a mom and we moms have to keep it
together around our kids.
So tonight, all week really,
I've been exhausted emotionally and physically. I have been drained and
gone through so many multiple emotions (sometimes two within an hour).
As I attempted to rest my mind early tonight, I was awoken by a
nightmare. Not the kind that you see in movies, but your true real life
nightmare. It woke me out of my sleep and I immediately found myself
reaching out for a person in order to have peace from the turmoil this
dream brought me. Literally, TWENTY-SEVEN unanswered phone calls and
FIFTEEN text messages later (to one person) I began to realize I was
doing it again. I was laying my joy and peace in the hands of another
person. With each painful voicemail pick up my heart ripped. All those
stitches I had been sewing in for the past few months began to rip. My
heart panicked because she didn't know how to beat when I was cutting
her open. I couldn't stop myself. I was so hopeful that the person I was
calling would hear the desperation in my voice, that they would know my
heart and would know I needed them. I cried out again. My cries quite
literally went unanswered.
I was crazed, panicked,
anxious, and in pain. Real pain. My chest caved into my ribs and I
couldn't breathe. I was willing to take back everything and go back to
monotony. I would shell up, stop writing, stop creating, anything to get
rid of this feeling of death. I could feel my blood start to warm up in
my arms. I laid in the dark with my eyes squeezed shut and began to
whisper to God. I didn't ask why. I didn't ask for Him to do anything
for me, I'm not quite sure what I whispered, but I whispered and
whatever it was He heard it. Because I am His child and He created my
heart, He knows that what calms me most is music. With my eyes still
closed He created a song in me. It was one of those songs that you feel
like you've known your whole life, but as soon as I opened my eyes, it
was gone. The only thing I can remember is the word "Smile" being
written over and over again. So many things began to manifest inside me,
but all I wanted to do was dwell in the peace that He was giving me.
Instead He kept my mind awake and now here I am writing this.
I
share all of this because, as I said before, this is therapy for me but
it's also my testimony. I feel there is no other true emotion than the
kind you feel instinctively. My gift is creation/writing. I know that
someone out there is awake right now, struggling trying to find peace as
well. Tonight I rolled around in my flesh and pain and permitted myself
to be human. Tonight God reminded me that He will give us what our
heart desires. Sometimes it hurts and we're not prepared for that, or we
feel we are and it turns out we're weaker than we thought. I was weak
tonight. Probably the weakest I've ever been. I found no solace in
people and when I tried to reach out the one person who was able to
provide comfort for me before, I was abandoned. I needed that.
I
needed to be reminded that people will abandon you even the ones who
say they never will. We are an unreliable flesh and there is no louder
rejection than being outwardly ignored during your lowest and most
painful moments. I was allowed to feel and see this because God needed
my attention. He needed me to see that HE is my father, HE is my
husband, HE is my lover, He is my friend. There will never be anyone who
can provide the love and comfort of my God. My relationship with Him
was tainted because I've been angry at Him and didn't even know it. I
focused so much on what PEOPLE were doing TO me that I had lost sight on
what GOD has done FOR me.
I needed peace, but what I
wasn't aware of was that I had lost it because I had given PIECES of
myself away to someone who couldn't do for me what ONLY God can do.
Tonight I take back my peace and pieces.
