It's so eerily quiet right now in my house because Matt took the kids over to his mom's and I'm about to head out for work. However with the twenty minutes that I rarely have to spare-well I guess these twenty minutes are more sacrificial than sparing-I feel the need to update my blog. Or as I like to think of it a public diary that no one seems to read :(
I just came back from a charity walk with my work and family and realized that my house is a mess, we're moving in three weeks, I haven't read any of my assignments for Brit Lit, I've got the Praxis in a month, I'm missing class next week because I have to work, there is no time for my husband and I to be a COUPLE and my kids barely know me......What am I doing all this for?
FOR THEM
But then I am faced with a dilemma. Continue to keep trucking through this circus I call life or throw in the towel and stay at home with the kids?
I guess it would be easier if only one of us had eight million things going on....but BOTH Matt and I are constantly on the go. How is it that some families can simply work part time, live off welfare and WIC and be happy while people like Matt and I kill ourselves to make it?
I have to keep reminding myself that God blessed me with my two children with a purpose in mind. I may not know that purpose and it may be driving me nuts, but I have to continue to live my life with His purpose in mind. Otherwise how will I succeed?
I wish I could be one of those moms that could see the purpose in the eyes of her children. But when I come home (or sometimes even when I leave for work too) their eyes are closed. I can only stand there and try to pry myself away from watching them sleep. So peaceful and naive to the world outside their little blanket covered window. I thank God for giving them to me because without them I probably would have given up a long time ago. Maybe I do find purpose in them...it just kills me that I cannot see or feel it. I miss out on the hugs and playtime because I am too busy paying bills, changing mailing addresses, calling about moving dates, setting up appointments, laundry, cleaning the kitchen, vacuuming, cleaning the bathroom, cleaning the other bathroom....working 40+ hours a week.......
How do I set life aside in order to enjoy life?
